In my fundamentals of acting class here at Guilford there were certain “rules of engagement” if you will. You didn’t touch your fellow actors without first asking for their explicit permission. It wasn’t unusual to hear one actor say to another, “is it alright if I hug you?”
The reason for this was simple – we wanted to build trust among one another, create an environment in which we were all comfortable, and avoid making anyone feel assaulted.

Interesting that we take such things into consideration in the classroom with people we hardly know, but when it comes to those we care most about, our boy friends and girlfriends, we are often far more thoughtless.
On Thursday, April 17, members of Kathryn Schmidt’s gender violence class sponsored a panel discussion and workshop entitled “The Art of Sexy Consent” to get students talking about how to ask their partners for consent.

“By relying on ‘she gave me that look’ attitudes to sex, we disregard the fact that looks can be misread and within nonverbal consent there can be a large vague area,” said class member Cecily Fuller. “By talking about consent in sexy ways we can encourage consensual sex without fear of ruining the mood or engaging in activities that both partners are not equally ready for.”

“Remember, asking for consent can be fun,” said Schmidt. “Take phone sex as an example – people pay to talk about what they would like to have happen.”

After brief statements about the purpose of the event, a panel discussion was held. First – year Chris Lett, sexual assault survivor Jennifer Yoe, Catie Braley from Planned Parenthood, and CCE student and sexual assault advocate Sharon Brown comprised the panel.
“It’s important to decide your boundaries and your needs for yourself before there is a hot body on top of you,” said Braley. “Have the ability to walk away if your partner won’t comply with your desire to use condoms for example.”

Setting boundaries and communicating them is especially important for people in a relationship with someone who has been sexually assaulted. “One important step is to communicate about triggers that are disturbing for the survivor such as smells and particular sexual positions,” said Yoe.

“One way for any couple to give consent in a sexy way is the bathtub game,” she said. Both partners write down their desires on strips of paper and laminate them. Each partner puts their slips of paper in a different color plastic Easter-egg and drops them into a bath.

“The great part about this game is that you have already given your partner consent for all of the things written on the slips of paper,” said Yoe. “You can also buy the game pre-made from a store like Priscilla’s.”
After the panel discussion those in attendance broke into groups of four to six people to discuss their perfect date and how they would go about asking for consent for a kiss to consent for sex without breaking the mood.

“For me, the most productive part [of the event was] when people worked in small groups and really thought out loud about how to apply these ideas,” said Schmidt.

After the small group work, participants returned to the large group to share the sexy ways to ask for consent that they had come up with. Prizes were given for the best ones.

“I felt like the workshop was really educational,” said Lett. “It helped me learn about what goes on inside a woman’s mind when things get heated. Being honest with yourself and your partner is the best way about it.”

Director for Gender Relations and Retention Cyndi Briggs attended the workshop and felt that it was a success.
“It [was] cool to have athletes and non-athletes, African Americans, whites, international students, RA’s, and a whole bunch of other kinds of people in one room together [having a discussion],” she said. “Now that’s community.”