Aries: There comes a time in every man’s life where he must accept the challenge, and take the leap, and do … stuff.Taurus: You know that thing that you’ve been thinking might be serious. Just go to the doctor and find out already, we are tired of listening to you moan.

Gemini: Remember that scene in Dirty Dancing when Johnny asks “Why is she here?” and she says “I carried a watermelon,” and she is embarrassed. It’s ok.. you know, we all carry watermelons somewhere inside of us.

Cancer: Sometimes when I am lying awake at night I wonder what it would be like to be the tin man, and then i remember he’s the one with no heart. That’s gotta suck.

Leo: Someone tried to prove to me over the summer that the moon landing never really happened. they made some really good points.

Virgo: The internet has a plethora of information.

Libra: Read the personals, some people have really weird fantasies. and, one of them is your mother…. oooo!!!!

Scorpio: If you really listen hard to Britney Spears, you can really hear all of the childhood trauma she suffered.

Sagittarius: I think that maybe not everything they say on TV is true.

Capricorn: Funhouse mirrors aren’t nearly as fun when you are lonely sad and depressed, but trampolines are.

Aquarius: Be thankful you weren’t at the zoo when the lion got loose, because I think it smells fear. Hell knows it would smell the urine that stained your pants and ran down your leg.

Pieces: Take a moment to appreciate that the mirror in the bathroom in your dorm isn’t one of those sneaky two way mirrors.