What do you get when you cross twelve ghosts, two respected producers (Robert Zemeckis and Joel Silver), and a glass house embroidered in Latin? Answer: a horrible film.
Thirteen Ghosts was not only louder than any recent movie I can recall seeing, but it also reinforced my generalization that any film with glamorous special effects must lack any real kind of plot.
The movie was based on William Castle’s original 1960 film of the same title. Castle, for those of you who are unfamiliar with him, was always known for his rich and colorful gimmicks; one of them involved wiring up cinema seats for his movie The Tingler to give mild electric shock to random viewers to enhance their theater experience.
In the original 13 Ghosts, Castle attracted movie-goers with special glasses. This allowed them to see the ghosts in “Illusion-O,” which was similar to 3-D. Castle’s idea of special glasses to see ghosts was used in this newer adaptation of the film by the actors.
Tony Shalhoub plays Arthur, a recent widow with two children: Kathy (Shannon Elizabeth) and Bobby (Alec Roberts). Arthur’s wife is killed in a fire at the beginning of the film, forcing him to hire a nanny, Maggie (Rah Digga), to help out.
But wait, it gets worse. Arthur’s luck changes when his long lost rich uncle Cyrus (F. Murray Abraham) leaves him a luxurious glass house in his will. Of course, we all know the house is haunted. Upon visiting the house, we find that it contains 12 ghosts. Each of the revenants is sealed in it’s own glass rooms, bound by spells written in Latin on the panes. It’s like a spiritual zoo or carnival freak show. Where is the 13th ghost? It turns out that the last ghost must be one of the actors, a sacrificial lamb. When all 13 ghosts are assembled, the Black Zodiac is achieved.
One of the film’s few saving graces is its inclusion of Matthew Lillard as Dennis Rafkin. Lillard brings humor to the film as well as believability. He is the movie’s psychic and a former employee of old uncle Cyrus. It just so happens that Arthur’s new home is actually a large machine equipped with all sorts of archaic gears and levers. When Dennis finally manages to scare the family into leaving the house, it’s too late. They are trapped. The house begins to shift at this point, freeing the incarcerated spirits. Conveniently, the actors are able to see the ghosts through special glasses left inside the house.
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse…BAM! Kalina (Embeth Davidtz) shows up. How? She slipped inside while the house was changing shape. It turns out that her mission is to destroy the house and set its ghostly captives free. And the awful dialogue…let’s not even go there.
Overall, if we were to take out the plot, cut out all the actors except for the ghosts, and boil the film down to about 20 minutes, it would be wonderful. After all, the special effects were mesmerizing and the cinematography was exceptional. The acting, however, could have been better, and whoever wrote the screenplay should be drawn and quartered.
RATING ** OUT OF FIVE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE EYE CANDY