“I noticed the observatory was in use. It was late. I thought I should check it out,” said Zeus, Guilford security officer on location at 2:32 a.m., Wed., March 21. “I get up to the top, and there he is in his boxer shorts, the lens pointed right at the second floor of Shore Hall, humming and wiggling his butt back and forth like he was about to be served on Thanksgiving!”

“Jay Gregory, junior physics major, will be charged with misuse of Guilford property, sexual harassment, and lewd and lascivious conduct,” said dean of student life Mona Olds on Thursday. “I guarantee he will be prosecuted to the stiffest penalty of the law. We want to keep this campus safe and clean, and the only way to do that is to keep people like Jay out.”
While there is much evidence against him, Gregory will plead innocent.

“My client did nothing wrong,” said Gregory’s attorney. “He was “intensely studying the planets when all of a sudden the telescope slipped.”

When asked why he was only in his boxer shorts and why the makings of a “2000–2001 Girls of Shore Calendar” were found in his room, Gregory replied, “No comment.”

“I advised the faculty not to get the one with the high magnification lens; it was only asking for trouble,” said physics department chairman and astronomy professor Thom Espinola.

“It doesn’t surprise me in the least,” said a Bryan Hall resident who wished to remain anonymous. “There is a big market for those underground calendars. In the springtime especially, when the leaves are growing on the trees blocking most long-range viewing with your binocs, those things can go for anywhere’s of fifty or a hundred bucks!”

“They should have never given my Jay the keys,” commented Gregory’s mother. “This reminds me of the time I gave him access to my AOL account and he made a web-page with live 24-hour Web-cam footage of his sister’s bedroom. And I don’t even want to talk about the ‘members only’ toilet-cam feature he had been trying to set up. You know, he’s a good boy most of the time; you just have to keep him on a tight leash.”

“When I asked him what he was studying up there every night,” said Anita Applebum, resident of second floor Shore, “He said, ‘Uranus.’ This puts it all into perspective: What a sicko.”
Gregory could not be reached for comment, but left an e-mail to The Guilfordian claiming that while he may be getting kicked out of the physics department, he has been thinking for a while of becoming a Women’s Studies major and hopes, “if things go well,” he can “at least get a two-credit independent study out of this.”
The Judicial Board hearing is set for Tues., April 10. It is open to the public.