WASHINGTON, DEC. 5 – In less than a week, the Florida Electoral College will announce its final decision for the office of the next president. Gore’s legal team suffered a major setback Monday when Leon County Circuit Court Judge N. Sanders Saul rejected their contest case and refused to order a hand count of disputed ballots from two heavily Democratic counties. Yet his team continues to keep the election alive, as the seven justices of the Supreme Court are preparing to consider his case. Some remain skeptical of Gore’s chances at victory. “I think most people believe that’s unlikely [and] that he’ll finish out the process this week and that’s it,” said political analyst George Stephanopoulos. ISRAEL, DEC. 5 – Israeli forces and Palestinians fought isolated gun battles in the West Bank and Gaza early Tuesday, further eroding hopes of ending the worst violence in the Middle East in years. The latest clashes also set back Prime Minister Ehud Barak’s hopes of securing a peace deal with Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat. A victory for Barak in the upcoming general election in May is contingent upon this deal. Nearly 300 people have been killed, mostly Palestinians, in the fighting which began over two months ago.
WASHINGTON, DEC. 4 – An 84-million-acre ecosystem reserve around the northwestern Hawaiian Islands was established Monday by President Clinton. The Northwestern Hawaiian Islands Coral Reef Ecosystem Reserve is the largest protected area in the United States today. The area contains nearly 70 percent of the United States’ coral reefs, as well as pristine remote islands, atolls and submerged lagoons. The president said his actions were designed to preserve the islands’ natural beauty “for a long time. I hope, forever.”
LONDON, DEC. 5 – London police have recently uncovered a new alternative to handguns — a cellphone. The phone looks like a regular cell phone. It has the same size, same shape, and same overall appearance. However, beneath the digital face lies a .22-caliber pistol, a “phone gun” capable of firing four rounds in quick succession with a touch of the otherwise standard keypad. “We find it very, very alarming,” said Wolfgang Dicke of the German Police union. “It means police will have to draw their weapons whenever a person being checked reaches for their mobile phone.”
NASHVILLE, TN., DEC. 4 – A new study released this week claimed that at least half of all jailed juveniles suffer from mental illness but few programs exist to help them. The study, released by a congressional advisory group, called for $100 million in federal spending to create community-based mental health programs for jailed youths and their families. “The real crime is that many troubled and traumatized children have to get arrested to get mental health services,” said Robert Pence, chairman of the Washington D.C.-based coalition.
PALO ALTO, CA – In a revolutionary breakthrough with the potential to forever alter the way humans defecate, Palo Alto-based Internet company Ascent Technologies announced Monday the successful development of the first-ever “e-toilet.”
“It’s incredibly exciting,” said Ascent CEO Jeff Scoscia, considered by members of the plumbing industry to be the father of the cyberdump. “The e-toilet will revolutionize on-line waste elimination through the democratization of access to high-speed electronic bathrooms.”
HELL, DEC. 5 – After nearly four years of construction at an estimated cost of 750 million souls, Corpadverticus, the new 10th circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday. The Blockbuster Video-sponsored circle, located in Nether Hell between the former eighth and ninth levels of Malebolge and Cocytus, is expected to greatly alleviate the overcrowding problems that have plagued the infernal underworld in recent years. The circle is the first added to Hell in its countless-millennia history. “A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years necessitated the expansion of Hell,” inferno spokesperson Antedeus said. “The traditional nine-tiered system had grown insufficient to accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of Hellbound.”