The current budget crisis has become the catalyst for a series of events that are transforming the Guilford community. The depleted personal funds available to students have resulted in the largest number of Community Senate proposals in the college’s history, significantly depleting the 2008-2009 Senate pot. During the April 1 meeting, the opening statements from the Senate executives regarding the current budget status set a tone of hostility for the rest of the meeting. According to Senate Treasurer Will Vormelker, if Senate passed every proposal, the Senate piggy bank would be left with $0.32 for the rest of the year.

Tension mounted as the meeting progressed and senators debated funding a laundry list of proposals with high price tags including: $420 to build a bong sculpture, $5,000 to fund beer for rugby socials, and $500 for 12 high tech pooper-scoopers.

Senior art major Sam Sklover brought the first proposal to the floor, requesting $420 to fund the supplies needed to construct a 15-foot bong sculpture that would appear in front of the Hege Cox art building.

During his presentation, Sklover appealed to the emotions of the senators by discussing his inspiration for the project.

“When I read the Guilfordian article, ‘Phelps hits the bong, the bong hits back,’ I realized that the solution to the athlete-hippie divide is to have a public venue where both groups can come together for a higher purpose.”

When asked by senators how the installation will give back to the community, Sklover said, “The reason we need a massive bong on campus is because it goes with Guilford’s core value of community. It would be a great symbol of an activity that we all share.”

Despite the proposal’s overwhelming support, some senators raised concerns about the 18 academic credits that Sklover would receive for completing the project.

“Other then the fact that it says very clearly in the by-laws that students cannot receive class credit for anything funded with student activity fees, if that’s what the constituents want and the trustees approve it, then I have no problem with it,” said Academic Affairs Chair Tory Mallett.

Consensus was reached after several more minutes of deliberation, and the proposal was passed with only two stand-asides.

The second proposal of the night was delivered by rugby captain Chris Pugliese and fellow players Byron Myers and Andrew Slater, requesting funds for several cases of Natural Ice beer to enhance the “spirit” of rugby socials for the remainder of the year.

As the three rugby players stood in front of Senate they explained how the budget crisis had hurt their team morale.

“The sense of camaraderie that we used to have has been lost because everyone’s broke,” said Slater.

In addition to expressing their financial woes, the players addressed the loss of the necessary aspect of rugby culture that alcohol provides.

“The drinks are an integral part of rugby socials,” said Myers. “Singing ‘If I Was the Marrying Kind’ isn’t the same because we don’t have the alcohol to fuel our sense of Greek brotherhood. My inhibitions prevent me from expressing my lustful feelings towards my teammates. We have dry rugby socials so we can’t ‘get wet together’ anymore.”

The rationale of the proposal also addressed the competitive benefits of drinking.

“Beer makes people happy; happy people win – it’s an open and shut case,” said Pugliese.

Mallett blocked the proposal, saying that she could not justify using student activity fees to pay for beer when the only people benefiting from the money were those participating in the social.

After another 90 minutes of intense deliberation littered with obscenities, Mallett, finally satisfied, withdrew her block when the rugby players agreed to give a presentation on the outcome of the social that would be available to the entire community.

At 9:45 p.m. the rugby beer proposal was approved.

The final proposal of the evening was brought by senior Bonner scholar Saron Smith-Hardin, requesting $500 to pay for 12 pooper-scoopers.

During her presentation, Smith-Harden reminded senators of their request that Bonners participate in more local community service activities when Senate declined to fund the senior Bonner service trip to Puerto Rico.

She explained that Guilford’s messy history with first-year incontinence, escalated by the Milner and Bryan hall feces-smearing incidents earlier this year, led the Bonners to the conclusion that the best way to serve the Guilford community would be to take care of business.

“Pooper-scoopers would clean up the process,” said Smith-Hardin. “It would be better than doing it by hand like we do now.”

Some senators expressed the concern that the Bonners weren’t seeking enough alternative means of funding.

“I think it’s something that could easily get donated or raised funds for or something,” said Mallett.

Fifty-three minutes and many moments of silence later, Senate determined that despite the utility of the proposal, funding it would not be financially prudent. With eight blocks and 13 stand-asides, the proposal did not pass.

Smith-Hardin left the meeting with a heavy heart and dirty hands.

“There were a lot of really good proposals brought out tonight,” Senate president Joe Pelcher said in a later interview, reflecting on the events that occurred during the five-hour-long meeting. “I wish we could have funded them all. This is just one of the many of the effects of the disastrous financial crisis.