Have you ever tried to buy tires for your car? Do you have 250 extra dollars? No? Me neither. And do you know why? Condoms.
Guilford students’ use of condoms has driven the latex market to dizzying heights that are impossible to support. Guilford’s core value of free love has led to condoms becoming more popular than pants, socks and baseball caps combined.
Look at our school newspaper for instance. The health center decided to restrict the number of condoms given out on a daily basis in order to protect the dwindling rubber tree populations of South America, and the student body (the newspaper) was up in arms immediately.
There is a major inconsistency here that our campus is unwilling to address. Why aren’t we willing to have unprotected sex in order to save the rubber trees?
Why should we even care about the rubber trees? What about biodiversity? None of this matters as long as we get our condoms. The advent of the “Rusty Trombone,” the “Jackson Pollack,” and the “Rodeo” as sexual practices have resulted in the use of multiple condoms for every one sexual act engaged in by Guilford students. Just think about it: there are abstinent teen-agers in China that can’t even use one condom and here we are using seven for every sex act. The rubber tree god will never forgive us for this.
The government on the other hand is engaging in a major cover-up of this conspiracy. They would have us believe that rubber trees are not extinct and that the latex industry is actually quite healthy. Why then, Mr. Politician, do tires for my car cost upwards of $250? Pound for pound, I can buy that much crack for cheaper – and crack is illegal.
I would never have discovered this problem if it weren’t for Guilford College’s overcrowded housing situation. Thanks to this lack of space, many Guilford students have been forced to move far away from campus.
Off-campus housing has led to a huge increase in driving, thus adding wear to tires. And when tires wear, students are forced to buy new ones, which is exactly what happened to me only a month ago.
No big deal, right? Wrong! You see, before safe sex, tires were a dime a dozen. Now I can’t even think about new tires without taking out a second mortgage on a home I haven’t even purchased yet.
I blame Guilford. The administration won’t take a stand against condom use because they are in bed with the liberal media, and the liberal media won’t take a stand because they are in bed with the government. The government, in turn, is in cahoots with the latex industry, and the latex industry doesn’t care about saving the rubber trees as long as they can make a buck off their extinction.
Here is an issue where Guilford students could make a difference. We lead the world in the consumption of condoms. If we could only stop that consumption, the rubber trees might survive.
Everyone’s in bed with everyone else on this issue, which might help explain why everyone thinks condoms are so important. No one is looking out for the rubber trees, and the rubber trees (if there are any left) are rooted to the ground, so they can’t climb in the bed. It’s time for Guilford students to take a stand – to commit ourselves to unprotected sex.
“Copulate!” the government seems to be telling us, but make sure to use a condom. Who’d have thunk that these fear tactics are supporting the systematic slaughter of Rubber trees?
Furthermore, the educated populace seem to be those most set on safe sex, but while they are promoting it, they seem to be slowly disappearing. Through a commitment to unprotected sex we could save the rubber trees; but at the same time, educated people would start reproducing and having smart babies. Folks, we could save the world if we weren’t so damn scared of VD.
VD is the big bad wolf of college life, and the big bad wolf won’t let you go out to play in the wild woods of unprotected intercourse. But if there is one thing that we all should have learned in kindergarten, it’s that the big bad wolf doesn’t exist. That’s right, VD is just a figment of your imagination, an invention of the latex industry to have you buy their little rubber socks.
Don’t get sucked into the hype. The liberal media wants you to believe that without condoms the world is lost. Fight back. Sew your wild oats. This is college, dammit.