During the mid 1960s, America experienced what has now become known as the “Summer of Love.” I know this because I was conceived during itApparently my forefather, and presumably my foremother as well, experimented widely with various controlled substances, one of which enabled them to travel back in time from their 1985 suburban neighborhood to Woodstock where I was conceived halfway through the second Hendrix set.
What was it that made the 1967 Summer of Love so different from its predecessor, the 1966 Summer of Mixed Feelings? This question has plagued historians and sociologists ever since the dawn of 1968. Today, I am here to provide the answer. Showers, or the lack thereof, were the catalyst that turned the summer of ’67 into the mass debauchery that mars history even to this day.
As you wonder about the connection between the lack of showers and the smut-fest that is now called the Summer of Love, consider this: showers foster cleanliness which in turn encourages purity, chastity, the core values and academic excellence. The absence of showers, on the other hand, fosters hippies who in turn foster free love, hallucinogenic drugs and Timothy Leary. Woodstock taught us this lesson all too well.
The summer of 1967 can only be described as catastrophic. Needless to say, filth abounded, people got knocked up, and Timothy Leary discovered eight realms of human consciousness: sleeping, waking up, eating breakfast, going back to sleep, dreaming, waking up again, wondering what time it is, and tripping balls. Of course, the last and highest of these realms of consciousness could only be reached through Yoga.
The long-term results of such moral decay are all too apparent. Take a look at me, for instance. If it weren’t for the Summer of Love, you wouldn’t be sitting here reading this mindless nonsense. Instead you might be out doing something productive, say, chopping down an old growth forest for instance, or maybe clubbing innocent baby leopard seals while driving a Hummer across a fragile and endangered ecosystem, doing donuts in the orchid beds.
Today almost 40 years after the events of 1967, Guilford College is on the brink of what may soon become commonly referred to as the “Semester of Love.” Behind this imminent semester of love lies the very same problem that turned what might have been a white-collar classical music performance into a balls-to-the-wall plethora of promiscuity: the lack of showers.
Students in Binford Hall will soon be forced to come to grips with the harsh reality of the lack of shower facilities. The inevitable copulation that follows will no doubt have devastating affects on Guilford’s academic achievement standards. Analysts from the Washington Center for Shower Monitoring (WCSM) have expressed grave concern over Guilford’s apparent lack of foresight on this issue.
“It’s as if we don’t have a big enough problem with over-population as it is,” said Senior Analyst Ron Jeremy. “These kids are being pushed into a Semester of Love-type situation by an administration that lacks moral fiber.”
Chief moral advisor for the Bush administration, Ralph Reed, has had his eye on the developing situation ever since his recent visit to Guilford during last year’s Bryan Series. “We are worried about containing this imminent Semester of Love in order to prevent a sort of domino effect,'” Reed said. “We are using a method of monitoring developed during the Nixon years: Dreadlocks per Square Foot, or DLPF2.”
Analysts have projected DLPF2 statistics rising from the current 7.25 to nearly three times that in the next two weeks. At this rate, we can expect significant spillover into UNCG’s dreadlock space; and from there, only God knows how far the trend could go.
The evidence is clear: unless the Guilford administration addresses the shower problem in Binford Hall, we will have a national emergency on our hands. The domino effect is a clear and present danger and, ultimately, a threat to national security.
The time has come to write letters to your Congresspersons urging them to authorize a pre-emptive strike against Binford Hall. When you write your letters, you may want to suggest to Congress the use of the secret code “Operation Guilford Freedom.”
Folks, we need to smoke them out of their holes, and the best way to do that is through shock and awe. We may need to destroy Binford Hall in order to save it.