So your summer was great, but now it’s time to get down to the real-life experience that college brings you for the bargain price of $29,000 per year. If you’re just beginning your college adventure, here are a few words of wisdom that you may want to mull over as you wander aimlessly through the world of academia:First and foremost, it is important to remember that the average student only ever uses about one-third of his or her brain cells. Be sure to burn rapidly through your other two-thirds during your first few weeks of school.

You’ll be able to tell that your grey matter surplus is running low by using this simple three-step method: 1) say the word “hippopotamus” three times fast while contemplating your navel, 2) crush an empty beer can against your forehead, and 3) ask yourself the following question: “Ohhhhhhhhhhm?” If these three steps prove inconclusive, see a psychiatrist.

Closely related to the quest for the redistribution of grey matter is Guilford College’s commitment to the pursuit of “enlightenment.” You may have wondered what this word actually means, and how, if at all, it relates to the question of Ohhhhhhhhhm. The answer is simple. The word “enlightenment” is derived from the Latin root “enly,” meaning to take away, and the Greek word “ightenment,” meaning brain cells. Thus, enlightenment can only be reached through the process of discarding your excess brain cells. The question of Ohhhhhhhhm comes much later and usually only as a result of enlightenment.

Guilford has chosen to address the corporate quest for enlightenment through a two-pronged approach. The first of these methods can best be described as the strict enforcement of the new parking policy – namely, no parking anywhere. When questioned as to the nature of the other half of the school’s new commitment to enlightenment, Public Safety may reply, “We have a black Jeep that is parked across three handicap spaces.”

Due to the nature of Guilford’s commitment to the quest for enlightenment, it seems necessary to address the proper etiquette surrounding parking tickets. Now I know that readers are asking themselves, “Is it ok to rip up a $120 parking ticket while making obscene gestures at a golf cart-driving security officer?” Of course it is. Just remember to thank your Public Safety representative for keeping the parking safe for everyone.

Public Safety is doing a tremendous job of staying committed to the task of parking enforcement. Only days ago, I parked my black Jeep in a spot that was apparently reserved for the 1976 Miami Dolphins, and received two, crisp, newly minted parking tickets for $120 a piece in the span of only 15 minutes. You can imagine my joy when I returned from the Office of Public Safety where I had been dealing with my first ticket, and found another beautiful yellow document adorning my windshield. I decided then and there to find some useful purpose for these emissaries of enlightenment.

Later that night, I discovered a practical application which parking tickets can serve well: mopping up the beer from the floor of your vehicle.

While you’re pondering the wisdom imparted here, don’t forget to keep track of your mounting pile of parking tickets. Public Safety does not appreciate the loss of even one of these documents. Keep them on file – you may need to start a fire someday, and science shows us that parking tickets make excellent tinder.