Guilford College, are you ready to back that ass up? Be careful, you never know who might be behind you! That’s right, it’s the one and only “Priest ‘n Altar Boy Party.” Students are encouraged to come dressed as either a priest or an altar boy, and specific gifts will be given out to people dressed in character.

At the door, priests will be handed several $20 bills, a plate of cookies and other assorted sundries to help “attract” the boys. Altar boys, on the other hand, will be given rosary beads and velvet underwear.

Student organizers came up with the idea for this party after last semester’s “Pimp ‘n Ho Party” caused much acrimony in many segments of the student population. They saw that while some students were offended, many still had a good time. They needed an idea that would be fun, but not so provocative.

“This really seemed like a happy medium,” said sophomore party organizer Stephen Burton. “Essentially, we were left with a real quandary on our hands. We needed two things, a theme and a good time. We had to think of the one sector of students on campus whose objections would not be taken seriously. So of course we turned to organized religion and the Catholics.”

This is event is planned for 10 p.m. on April 3 in the Bryan Quad. Originally planned for April 2, the event was rescheduled when organizers realized many Catholics do not eat meat on Friday.

Flyers describe the event as a cross between a senior prom, the movie “Deliverance,” and kindergarten.

Guilford Student Life unanimously approved the party. Some administrators even have fond memories of Catholic priests.

“My time as an altar boy back in Boston left me with two things; memories and a bit of waddle when I walk,” Assistant Student Life Coordinator Thomas Kennedy said. “Everyone should be able to experience that.”

Of course this party would not be possible were it not for priests’ well-known fondness for little boys. Child abuse allegations have plagued the Catholic Church for years and recently reached a pinnacle of media attention.

Student reaction to the upcoming party is naturally mixed.

“I think the party is a great idea,” said junior Sam Myers. “If we can take somebody’s deep-rooted pain and turn it into a party, we should take advantage of that. It’s all part of the healing process. To not have the party would be practically un-American.”

Some students, however, think this party is in poor taste.

“It’s totally tacky,” first-year Josh Huffington said. “How are we supposed to dress sexy covered in robes? Has anyone ever heard of a sexy stigmata?”

Other criticism comes from a moral place. According to sophomore Philosophy major Jamie Oliver, “It just trivializes a real serious problem in the church today and that problem is that these kids just cannot keep their mouths shut.”

In response to the criticism, Burton said Guilford students might have brought this party upon themselves.

“The point was made during the Pimp n’ Ho debate that if you devalue someone’s gender you will go to hell,” Burton said. “If you make fun of race, well, you need to get used to eating things thru a straw. Students on this campus openly make fun of religious people and talk about how stupid religion is. If I said or did those types of things about people’s gender or race, I would be crucified in what would be a rather ironic series of events.”

Despite the controversy, students can be assured that the party is going to happen, and, in a rare dispensation, alcohol will be served. “Communal Wine” will be furnished to the altar boys to lessen inhibitions, and everyone can enjoy the regular, ranch, and BBQ- flavored wafers, as well as Holy Water lubricant and a lifetime of feeling that it was your fault.