A terrorist plot was uncovered and thwarted on Wednesday, March 31, in Washington, D.C. The attackers, presumed to be members of pro-drug terrorist group the PPP, planned to put highly potent lysergic acid diethylamide, commonly known as LSD or ‘acid,’ into the dairy products in every Starbucks on Capitol Hill.
According to CIA-released information, the terrorists intended to poison the creamer in at least 42 Capitol Hill-area Starbucks locations.
Homeland Security Experts estimate that over 40,000 people would have been hit if the attack had succeeded.
“These terrorists obviously did their homework,” Homeland Security spokesperson Richard Reynolds said in a press conference Thursday morning.” Studies show that 99.4% of politicians take cream in their coffee, and after drinking that coffee, they’d have been tripping.”
Homeland Security responded to the attempted act of violence by forming a special committee, the Starbucks Incident Defense League (SIDL), to investigate this internal terrorism. High-ranking SIDL officials now believe the aggression targeted both politicians and civilians and aimed to influence legislation with a regime of fear and mass chaos.
“In situations like this, situations of such brutal abuse of personal liberty, we must ask ourselves a few questions,” said League Security Adviser Alphonse Malone. “Why did they do this? Here it seems evident that they want us tripping. Why? So we couldn’t make wise decisions, and might just legalize drugs. And what can we do about this? Kick ’em out of the country.”
The plot was discovered as a result of stringent new security measures Starbucks recently introduced to combat internal terrorist threats. The corporation advocates a tough ‘don’t wait ’til its too late’ security policy that emphasizes prevention and preemptive security through exhaustive employee and customer background checks.
The regulations responsible for foiling this act of terrorism enforce strict employee identification and require all dairy-handlers to use a computerized fingerprint entry code.
“Tuesday afternoon, we were having lots of problems with the entry code system,” said Javier Hopkins, store manager of a Capitol Hill Starbucks. “We looked into it and saw that someone had added 15 or 20 people to the system. We called and reported it to the authorities and of course they took care of it right away.”
Though no one has officially claimed responsibility for the incident, Homeland Security agents have targeted their investigations on a militant pro-drug group known as the Pothead Pandemon-ium Posse, or PPP.
“The PPP is the new face of evil,” Reynolds said. “Forget Saddam Hussein, forget Al-Qaeda. The PPP are the ones we must eradicate now. They present the new potential threat to the American people and the allies of America, and we wouldn’t be surprised if they were responsible for the Sept. 11 attacks too.”
The PPP has been active since 1959 and have been responsible for more the drug use of over 150,000 people in the last decade, according to the Foundation for Reefer Research.
Many Americans are still outraged by the attempted aggression on their homes and nation’s capitol.
“These people are crazy,” said Christine McArthur, a DC resident and regular Starbucks patron. “They’re on some kind of drug jihad and they’ll stop at nothing to get what they want. Putting LSD in creamer, giving cigarettes to small children. They make me sick.”
Others speculate that this attack had the potential to destroy the nation’s security and undermine the internal workings of the entire political system.
“They’d have had every politician in Washington tripping,” said Gwen Kilmore, a Political Science Professor at Guilford College. “Mass chaos would ensue. Clearly these guys were using LSD as a weapon of mass destruction. More brain cells would have been lost in this attack than in 9-11.” Though no one has confessed, 26 people have been arrested, half of them college students and Starbucks employees. Police say they were able to follow the path of tie-dyed shirts to the criminals.
Questioned about their apprehension of the criminals, SIDL Law Enforcement remained humble, calling it a matter of patriotism and duty. “It was pretty easy to tell who was responsible,” Starbucks Security Agent Warren Hughes said. “We just arrested all the hippies.