GOOFORDIAN – Ground broken on new sports facility

The new  facility also has an indoor track and BattleBotTM Arena (www.holophane.com)

The new facility also has an indoor track and BattleBotTM Arena (www.holophane.com)

Ground broke for the new state-of-the-art athletic facility that will be used by Guilford athletes, left-wingers, conservatives, middle-of-the-roaders, staff and faculty.
The facility will be located where the tennis courts and Ragan-Brown once stood. The four-story athletic facility, a certified hippie safe haven, will have an eight-lane pool, separate locker rooms for each athletic team, a large athletic training room, four basketball practice courts, indoor tennis courts, and a 50-yard indoor turf bubble, which will be used by Guilford athletes when the weather doesn’t cooperate with practice plans.
There will also be a new game-only court for the basketball and volleyball teams. A weight room with more than two benches and one squat rack are also in the plans, and a cardio room with nice equipment is supposedly coming too.
“It’s about time,” said senior baseball player Michael Idol in his deep Southern drawl. “Too bad I ain’t gonna be here when it’s finished in 2011.”
“We really need a new place to play, and it will make the college look better. Ragan-Brown sucked,” said junior volleyball player Rhonda Rogers.
The building is supposed to cost $132 million, but anyone with a brain knows to double that amount because of problems that arise during construction. Jerzee Construction & Associates of Hackensack, NJ, are in charge of building the facility, and have assured school officials the project will be done on time and within budget.
“If we aren’t done by the deadline, or if it costs more than $132 (million), there will be some busted kneecaps,” said Tony Piccola, head of JC&A’s union. “I’m an easy man to piss off.”
“I am glad that we finally have something coming, it’s not like we have used the ‘new facility’ as a recruiting tool for the last eight years or anything,” said Sports Studies Chair Clay Harshaw.
“The building itself is going to be nice, but the design isn’t so genius. Who the hell puts the weightroom and pool on the top floor, with no windows?
Also, the parking garage is going to be a problem, it only holds 37 midsize cars, or 19 SUVs. I’ve done the calculations.