The following is a parody.
While the content and criticism of
this article is based on actual comments
made by President George
Bush in the State of the Union Address,
the actual documents represented
in this article are false.There are also comments
made by other people that are
added to reinforce the points made
in this column. Proper references
have been made when deemed
necessary. All quotes from the
President in this column were
made during the State of the Union
Address.

All of the opinions expressed
in this article are those solely of
the writer. The views expressed
here are not necessarily those of
the paper.

In a good bit of investigative
reporting, if I do say so myself, I
have uncovered President Bush’s
old report cards from college with
grades and even comments from
his teachers. While some of this
is shocking, as a responsible journalist
I felt the need to share with
all of you his old grades. Please
remember that the truth is often
stranger than fiction.

Economics:

While George appears to be
enthusiastic about the idea of involving
involving
himself in studying them,
he seems to have the inability to
comprehend one of the most basic
concepts of economics: the
idea that when you spend money
you will need to supplement it
from another source or else you
are going to end up in debt.

He debated that if only our
government would spend more
money and make the taxpayers
pay less in taxes, it would lead
towards a road of economic recovery.
When challenged on how
our government would be able to
improve public schools and
healthcare with limited
money, he was
unable to respond.

To improve, George needs to
start focusing on his
work. If he starts reading his
economics book and he focusing
on the numbers, he will be able
to have some facts
to validate his opinions.
Grade: D-

International Relations:

During a simulation in which students
represented countries all around
the world, George represented the
United States and I was shocked
to see how he was able to
alienate almost every country in the
world … even his allies. He made broad
generalizations about other
countries he knows little to nothing
about and he is so focused
on continuing war that he never
considers how he can stop war.

During the simulation, he
engaged in a war with one country
while simultaneously threatening
other countries. In a
speech to the class he referred
to certain countries as an “axis
of evil” and says “the United
States of America will not permit
the world’s most dangerous
regimes to threaten us with the
world’s most destructive weapons.”
Yet he refuses to see how
the United States and its continued
buildup of weapons
threatens other countries.

However, George has
shown a continued support of
Israel and its people, which is
admirable. Grade: D+

Civil Liberties in America:

From George’s essays and
personal talks that I have had with
him, I am worried that he feels civil
liberties are something that the
government can take away from
the American people whenever it
is convenient.

I posed the following scenario:
America was attacked and
the attackers were in the country
legally. I asked George how he
would prevent that from happening
again.

He talked about how he
would allow secret military trials,
give the FBI the ability to spy
on anybody they wised, and stop
anybody who looked suspicious.
These ideas are reminiscent of
McCarthyism and we all know
how badly that turned out. In
one paper he wrote, “No people
on earth yearn to be oppressed,
or aspire to servitude, or eagerly
await the midnight knock of the
secret police.”

George, however, seems
content to allow all this to happen
in America. I am worried
that if ever put in a position of
real power George would do his
utmost to abandon the constitution
and the rights the American
people are given by that
document. Grade: F-

Advisor Comments:

Overall, George is your
definition of an “average” student.
He gets okay grades and
puts in the minimal amount of
study time. To be successful,
George needs to study more,
but he also needs to improve
the people he keeps company
with. If he starts making ideas
of his own he will be fine. If
not, God help us all.