The Guilfordian

Have wand, will balance: Hogwarts to send its Minister of Balance and Equilibrium

Linda Catoe, Staff Writer

March 30, 2012

*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool's issue* Suddenly there’s hope for the fog that used to be your mind, with help springing from the tips of familiar wands. In a joint effort between the Study Abroad program and the Center for Principled Problem Solving, Hogwarts School of Witch...

What frosts your pumpkin?

Zachary Thomas, Staff Writer

March 30, 2012

*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool's issue* “What frosts my pumpkin? The Greenleaf not accepting debit OR grill cash.” -Dallas Kesler, sophomore “The one thing that frosts my pumpkin (more than anything else in the universe) is organic chemistry! Try as I might to understa...

Secret faculty fight club discovered in woods, students outraged

Ellen Nicholas, Staff Writer

March 30, 2012

*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool's issue* Blood-spattered trees. Broken teeth strewn about the meadows. The truth behind the administration’s bonfire crackdown is finally revealed. After destroying the student-made forts in the woods and clearing out the bonfire pits, the admi...

Nudist resort: bearing all flesh

Linda Catoe, Staff Writer

March 30, 2012

*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool's issue* Wouldn’t you just love to have been a fly on the wall at the last Board of Trustees meeting? A clothes-optional spa and resort’s offer to buy the land the board recently approved for sale was on the table for discussion. My first qu...

Socialists protest “conservative takeover”

Burke Reed, Executive Web Copy Editor

March 30, 2012

*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool's issue* The Rhinoceros Times called it the “Second Cold War.” Passersby feared the worst when they saw a raised fist tagged on a banner made of white bed sheets. No one at Guilford was ready for such horridness: a peaceful socialist protest. Last weekend,...

Early College parties: they do know how to

James Williamson and Don Cheeto, Staff Writer and Guest Writer

March 30, 2012

*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool's issue* To protect the identities of the guilty in this article, all minors’ names have been changed. Although Early College students are renowned for their antagonistic intelligence, we have yet to hear of their social life, whether in the h...

As the world turns: the beginning of World War III

Alex Lindberg

March 30, 2012

*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool's issue* Silence filled the air as President Barack Obama announced the tragic news to the American people earlier this week. “Yesterday I spoke to the Chinese president Hu Jintao, who has insisted that either we apologize for our violence against ...

Nathan the Quaker Man replaced by Jeremy the Goose

Nathan the Quaker Man replaced by Jeremy the Goose

Kate Gibson, Staff Writer

March 30, 2012

*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool's issue* After enduring decades of criticism for Nathan the Overtly Angry Quaker Man, the Office of Communications and Marketing has scrapped the old mascot altogether and unveiled Guilford’s new icon: the Guilford Goose. “By utilizing a natura...

New “Housing Games” to replace traditional housing application process

New

Meg Holden, Overlady of Features

March 30, 2012

*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool's issue* After a record-shattering 96 percent of Guilford students “just forgot” to fill out their housing applications this spring, Residence Life will be implementing a new system for the housing lottery in 2013. Next year, the housing applicat...