Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Over the past few weeks, students tried to figure out the root cause of the infamous athlete and non-athlete divide.

The conclusion: drugs.

The Wednesday before Spring Break, Community Senate held an open forum to discuss the apparent divide.

Administrators and staff were invited to the meeting along with all students. Voices were heard and valid points were raised.

Thanks to Dean of Students and Vice President for Student Affairs Aaron Fetrow, students who are not playing a varsity sport are free to use drugs, when and wherever on campus.

“I am an athlete here at Guilford and, because of that, I am drug tested all the time,” said senior baseball player Babe Robinson. “It doesn’t seem fair that the athletes have to be tested when the non-athletes stroll around all day, every day high as a kite.”

Junior Saffron Sky, president of the Outdoors Club, said that in fact, athlete drug testing is a fair trade.

“If you want to dabble on the dark side, then stop playing sports,” said Sky. “It’s that simple.”

Athletes around campus also said that there are no consequences for students if they are caught with dope.

“Yeah man, I light up every day outside of King Hall,” said sophomore Josh Black. “My roommate usually shoots up in a Dana Hall bathroom.

“He’s into the heavy stuff.”

Junior golfer Arnold Woods admitted that he watched abusers light up dank in the tobacco smoking area.

“It smells so delicious,” said Woods. “I remember my first year, they would go to the woods, and I would hide in trees just to get a whiff.”

According to a newly released APSA report, there are no restrictions when it comes to doping with campus employees.

Senior Jewel Jay, a Guilford Peace Society and Ultimate Frisbee club member, said she has already taken advantage of the new policy.

“Maybe I have smoked with Public Safety once or twice, but we never do it in public,” said Jay. “We prefer to hotbox the Public Safety golf carts.”

Public Safety can be found often at drug locations throughout the day. When questioned about students, the public safety officers found it hard to respond as he finished off his roach.

“Athletes are alcoholics and non-athletes are drug addicts,” said Public Safety Officer Rob Ford. “Me, well, I’m both.”

Fetrow knows the issues of the divide all too well.

“On one side, you have what the non-athletes like to call ‘dipsomaniacs and drunkards,’” said Fetrow. “On the other side, you have what athletes like to call ‘tree-hugging smelly hippies.’ However, both have much more in common than they think.

“They all have issues.”

After hours of intensive discussions, Fetrow said that it is against Guilford’s core value of equality to only have athletes drug-tested.

“Either test everyone on campus or don’t test us at all,” said junior soccer player Hope Hamm.

“As long as it doesn’t affect my life,” said Ford. “Who gives a damn?”

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