GOOFORDIAN: Swimmers dive into lake, must face crocodile

Wiki Commons and Graphic by the Impossible Girl

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Swim coaches have taken drastic measures to make sure their athletes swim at record performance during practice. From threatening upside-down push-ups to adding a great white shark and massive crocodile to the lake, coaches will not stop seeking peak performance.

Head Women’s Swimming coach Emily Wilson and Athletic Director Tom Palombo think that using the lake as the practice pool for the team will help the team’s dramatic improvement over the past two years.

“The lake is cold, and the swimmers will be frightened of what’s inside,” said Wilson. “The goal is to get out of the water as soon as you can.”

Due to lack of funding, lane lines are all we can afford.

“There just isn’t enough money to build a new pool, so we’ll buy lane lines and put them across the lake instead,” said Palombo. “It’s the perfect size too.”

Junior swim captain Kendra Medina is hesitant but has high hopes for the new “pool.”

“I’m nervous because everyone says the lake is dangerous with snapping turtles, but I’m always open to try new things for the team,” said Medina.

It’s true the lake has gotten dangerous for swimming in over the years. Due to pollution, the water is incredibly mucky.

“We encourage first-years during orientation to stay away from swimming in the lake, so it seems counterintuitive for us to allow the swim team to practice in it,” says sophomore Orientation Leader Byron Hamilton.

Controversy over whether or not the lake will be safe for the swimmers is a concern for students. However, Wilson and Palombo remain confident.

“You can call me jerkhole, but don’t call me stupid,” said Palombo. “This is all experimental. If at any point the swimmers feel unsafe or if something happens to them, they can change their practice location.”

Coach Wilson has a differing opinion.

“The point is for them to get faster and better by using the lake,” said Wilson. “The water is filthy in the lake, so when they’re in a clean pool, they should go faster. The swimmers will also be afraid of getting devoured. Like I said, the desire to get out of the water will push them to improve.”

Some of the team remains skeptical.

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea to put the swimmers in danger,” said first-year Jocelyn Gesner. Of course I’m willing to try it, but we have enough injuries on the team as it is.”

Although there isn’t unanimous support for this idea, the team trusts their coach and is willing to try using the lake as their practice pool.

Maybe with the extra money saved, we can afford a personalized Horse People fountain.

DISCLAIMER: This is part of the April Fool’s edition.