*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool’s issue*

Stepping out of the Jose Marti International Airport in Havana Cuba, Randy Doss crosses the parking lot smoothly, carrying suitcases and sporting his pressed black suit. Another trip to Havana along the Almedares River for Doss to enjoy the sun, ballroom chandeliers, and recruit athletes on the fly.

“You ever hear that saying, ‘The better y’do on the roulette wheel, the more luck you have on the field?’ That’s what Guilford needs, some good luck,” said Doss, vice president for enrollment services, as he imagines a snazzy croupier spinning a roulette wheel – its colors, black and red sparkling in his eyes. Ballroom chatter echoes in Doss’ imagination as he blends into the crowd of dining tourists.
“And I’m here to find that luck so to speak, I mean we need it, you know?” says Doss as he swivels his dinner table chair, “It’s been a rough couple years, and every time I tear into the blackjack tables, we do good. Like in 1973, I was up in Atlantic City makin’ a pot of money, and our beloved M.L. Carr took us to a NAIA Championship.”

Some know of Randy’s trips and logic, though few are aware of how far his predictions extend into his athletic philosophy.
“It’s pretty clear that Randy thinks his gambling affects our scoreboards,” said Aaron Fetrow, vice president for student affairs and dean of students.

“Often times I find Randy’s scratched lottery cards stapled to stat sheets and numbers arbitrarily circled that repeat. He likes to think that his gambling can determine how games turn out. This could be problematic, but hey, it’s Randy, and as long as his delusions keep him occupied, it’s all good. Sometimes I write numbers in emails just to see what happens,” said Fetrow.

Randy lays a sheet on the table, explaining his methodology, tourists lean forward, their pens and pads in their hands.
“Now look here, see I played a 32 last week on this bingo card, and we scored more than 32 points against Centre. It all connects!” said Doss, his pen scribbling a chicken scratch equation.

“Here’s my ratio – so if the money lost over the hours gambled is lower than 102, then we’ll have a good season on the grid iron,” said Doss pointing to his apophenic equation.

Like John Nash, who Russell Crowe plays in A Beautiful Mind, Doss too sees patterns. Known as “apophenia,” Doss can find “meaningful” patterns in meaningless data, from stat sheets to an athlete’s birth date.

“Lots of times, when we get prospective athletes to visit, I’ll take their birth date and plug it into my equation and I believe that is why we win when we do,” said Doss.

Within one weekend, Doss can spend up to 18 hours gambling. For the other portions of the days he sleeps, works out the kinks of his equations, keeps his eyes peeled for anyone stereotypically athletic, or speaks to other tourists about his apophenic equation.

“Some people really think that if I keep getting good results, then I shouldn’t change a thing. Kent’s counting on me to do the best job, even if I have to spend 30 hours a week on it. Guilford needs these numbers and I need these numbers, but I don’t fool with sports that mess up my equation like Rugby. It has all kinds of scoring that I don’t understand,” said Doss.

Once Doss concludes the trip he occasionally attends baseball and basketball games and always staples scratched lotto cards to his stat sheets. But more recent concerns have developed within Guilford’s financial department.

“Randy keeps asking me for scholarship money,” said Paul Coscia, director of student financial services.

The overhead lights of the New Garden basement buzz, “He’s just looking out for us, that’s his job – money and athletics” says Coscia as phones ring, he turns, and the poster high on the wall reads, “It’s about the students.”

“Money, athletics and Guilford College? It might seem strange to have those words in the same sentence,” said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar.