Goofordian: Dory & Nemo: they’re what’s for lunch and dinner

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Have you noticed some missing fish in The Grill fish tank? Where could they possibly be going? The answer may lie within you.
In order to save money, the fish in The Grill fish tank will be used to supply the popular demand for sushi on campus. Although I am saddened to see some of these fish go, I think putting our resources into use is a great idea.
“I heard talk throughout the tank that this would happen, and I couldn’t be happier,” said Earl the Eel. “There are some fish in here that I can’t stand and would be happy to see go.”
For some, this might sound weird and ridiculous, but the faculty and staff felt it was necessary to grant students their long lost wish of having fish from The Grill fish tank used in their sushi.
“I have spent a lot of time eating lunch and dinner in The Quakeria and Grill. I couldn’t deny the fact that the conversations between students was the longing for the fish in the tank to be used in their sushi,” said Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. “If this is what the students want, we will find a way to make it happen.”
Sophomore James O’Neill couldn’t be more excited about the combination of avocado, cucumber and aquarium fish smothered in soy sauce.
“I can’t wait to eat Nemo’s brothers and sisters,” said O’Neill. “If I thought the sushi was good before, the fish from the tank will make it 10 times better.”
Our very own sushi maker, Zhang Wei, was apprehensive about the idea at first, but quickly came around and realized that the days of hauling large salmon onto a cutting board will be long over.
“Although I have gained muscle and lost about 40 pounds just by hauling the large fish onto the cutting board every Tuesday, I am happy to be dealing with smaller fish,” said Wei. “I get emotional when I have to kill them, so I make sure my eyes are closed when it comes time to cutting them open.”
As Guilford uses its resources for a beneficial and tasty cause, some fish in the tank are disturbed by the new sushi options.
“I’m pissed,” said Nemo’s cousin Remo. “Usually I’m the one laughing at people because they have cheese hanging from their face, and now they are going to be laughing at me because I’m so small and will probably get eaten. You can call me tadpole, just don’t call me an itty bitty fishy.”
Guilford isn’t the only place where aquarium fish are making their way into sushi rolls. Jiro Ono is ranked as the best sushi maker in the world, and he too uses fish from his own aquarium to make sushi for his restaurant in New York City.
“I get all my fish from Petco,” said Ono. “Who knew fish so cheap, could taste so good?”
The days of getting fish fresh from the ocean are long gone. Aquarium fish that have been swimming in a grimy, bacteria-infested tank is where it’s at.