Yelp reviewer attacks with one star


Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

The threat of a bad Yelp review is serious — collect enough and death is certain. Even a one-star appraisal can be the beginning of the end for your restaurant, hotel or … college?

Guilford College does, in fact, have a Yelp page. Recently it has been the target of dissatisfied students, both current and former.

“Attending Guilford College was one of the worst experiences of my life,” wrote long-time Yelp reviewer and alleged Guilford alum Sam J.

Like Forever 21 frocks and IKEA rugs, J. described the College as “style over substance” in his Yelp review.

J.’s review was not the first negative critique Guilford has received, but at 1 star, it was the lowest rating the school has ever seen.

“There’s a very strong possibility that this review will forever tarnish the Guilford College name,” said President Jane Fernandes.

The College had a stellar 4-star average until J.’s review turned it on its head.

Since the attack, faculty and staff have been doing everything in their power to redeem the College’s fragile reputation.

“We’ve been taking to Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and even 4chan to revive the Guilford image,” said the College’s social media specialist, who wishes to remain anonymous. “We’re trying to target potential students, and we hope that J. doesn’t reach them first”.

The Guilfordian’s investigative team found that J. has written many Yelp reviews — most of which were positive.

In his most recent review: a five star assessment of Sheetz, he says, “The bathrooms are clean. / The gas pumps are clean. / The coffee and food are good. / The store, being brand spanking new, is spotless.”

Most of J.’s complimentary posts are food-related and campus dining is one of the few high notes in his scathing review of the College.

Guilford also received a thumbs up aesthetically from J., who described the grounds as “well-maintained.”

However, his flattery stopped there.

“What does Guilford excel at?” J. asked his fellow Yelpers. “They’re absolutely brilliant at collecting tuition, soliciting contributions from alumni and pushing a liberal agenda.”

When questioned about any validity behind this “liberal agenda,” the College declined to comment.

Inside sources of The Guilfordian’s reported a large anonymous donation to the Triad Bernie Sanders campaign office close to the date of Guilford’s annual fund drive.

J.’s review expresses a gripe that is not yet relevant to prospective students, but may concern upcoming graduates.

“I eventually had to telephone the alumni association and ask them to stop bugging me for $$$,” ranted J. “They were much worse than the Republican and Democratic parties for aggressively soliciting $$$.”

The amount of $$$ was not specified.

Contrary to Fernandes, Public Safety officer Michal Carmon believes this one-star review will soon be just a blip on the radar.

“Guilford has bounced back from adversity before, and we can do it again,” said Carmon. “Mishaps like this only make us stronger.”

The implications of Guilford’s bad press are yet to be seen. Though the Internet leaves an unshakable trail, it is also one so cluttered that it can be hard to remember what someone read yesterday.

By tomorrow, J.’s words may be a distant memory. One thing is certain: J. will not forget Guilford anytime soon.