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First-year male is a feminist hero

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

In an act that some described as “lion-hearted,” local male hero and first-year Chet Columbus chose not to colonize a conversation in his Introduction to Sociology class.

On Thursday, Associate Professor of Sociology & Anthropology Carol Mulligan posed a question about women’s experiences in the workplace, to which many female students responded. Having not done the previous night’s reading and with no personal experience to speak from, Columbus found himself in a familiar position. Yet, as the discussion developed, Columbus decided to try something revolutionary.

“He just kind of clasped his lips together, and kept them shut,” said sophomore Claudia Lafayette. “I had never seen anything like it before.”

Columbus’ face expressed the pain of his sacrifice, according to students. His eyes darted about the room in order to look at each person as they spoke, and he even nodded at times to express agreement and understanding.

Though Columbus could have used any number of disruptive and unnecessary interjections to involve himself, he bravely and virtuously quieted his otherwise fiery spirit. For once, the male opinion was at risk of being unheard.

“It was a moment of clarity, an epiphany if you will,” Columbus said. “I realized that, having no experience or academic knowledge on the subject, there was no need to talk at all. I had never felt so pure.”

Fortunately, Columbus’ martyrdom is not going unsung. He has already been officially thanked by the head of the WGSS department and is in the running for the program’s annual Feminist Ally award.

Rumors are also circulating that Columbus was offered a book deal in order to write an instructional guide for how not to interrupt conversations when you have nothing of worth to add.

However, some members of the community do not feel so supportive.

“I don’t know,” chimed in junior Greg Jefferson, who was not in class that day. “He probably should have said something, like, anything. With so many women talking, they probably needed that rational, uneducated and completely irrelevant input.”

It is unclear whether next week’s discussion on male privilege will incite this level of virtuosity.

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