GOOFORDIAN: Bryan Relaxation Space to replace totally lame Hut

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The Impossible GirlK

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Guilford President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar announced the construction of the Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Relaxation Space on Friday, March 15. Construction began Saturday, March 16.

“The Bryan family has been so generous to Guilford, and as long as Joe keeps giving us money, we are delighted to have their name adorn our campus in any way possible as much as humanly possible,” Chabotar said via email interview.

Bryan gifted $11.2 million exclusively for construction of the Relaxation Space, the newest in a recent string of architectural improvements on campus. Planned features for the three-story facility include a solarium, a billiards room, two coffee shops and an indoor Chick-fil-A.

“I’m totally excited about (the Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Relaxation Space),” said first-year Nicole Tomlin. “I think it will make Guilford seem more modern, and it will attract new students to our school.

“I heard there was going to be a heated swimming pool,” Tomlin added. “I think that would be swag as hell.”

The Relaxation Space straddles Quadrangle Drive, and plans call for a footbridge connecting Bryan, Shore and Founders Hall. Also, its massive size requires the demolition of The Hut, which occurred on the second day of construction.

The Hut will be replaced by the Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Koi Pond and Fountain.

“The Hut as we know it has ceased to exist, but we are relocating it,” said Vice President for Student Affairs Aaron Fetrow via phone interview.

“Though the Bryan Relaxation Space is opulent, we want to keep Guilford’s Quaker tradition intact, and part of that tradition is testifying to simplicity. So while the original Hut is gone, we’re keeping the idea of The Hut going.”

Since Bryan reserved his endowment expressly for the construction of the Relaxation Space, no funds were allocated to build a new Hut in its zoned location between the lake and Nathan Hunt Road, soon to be Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Road.

Campus Ministry Coordinator Max Carter and Initiative-Faith & Practice Gifts Discernment Coordinator Frank Massey have funded the project themselves.

“We’ve been digging for the past week and a half for about twelve hours a day, but to us it’s worth it,” said Massey. “We’ve researched Vietnamese tunneling techniques and bought a bunch of lumber, and we’re really making some progress. We even came up with a nickname for it: The Hutch. Max came up with it.”

“I’m just glad they let us keep the piano,” said Carter.

News of The Hut’s relocation sparked mixed opinions from students.

“It’s so far away now, and that pisses me off,” said senior Ted Jarvis. “I used to go to The Hut all the time, and now I’ve got to walk all that way to bone without kicking my roommate out.”

“I always thought it was really stupid,” said sophomore Dalton Plumlee. “I mean, what did people do in there anyway, sing hippie songs?”

Though forced from his traditional headquarters for the betterment of the campus, Carter expressed his happiness over the Bryan Relaxation Space and remains in good spirits.

“You can call me Mr. Dig-Hole, but don’t call me Maxxy C,” Carter said as he smudged his beard with red clay while wiping sweat from his face.

DISCLAIMER: This is part of the April Fool’s edition.