Disclaimer: This story is a part of out April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.
The Korean pop world was left in shambles on Friday, March 30, when global award-winning group BTS made an objectively unexpected announcement.
On the group’s official Twitter page, leader RM tweeted that the beloved group would not be renewing their contracts with their agency, BigHit.
“We love all our fans, and we want to take a break from this whirlwind,” tweeted RM. “So we’ll be moving to a place called Guilford College in North Carolina to really refresh our authentic sound once again.”
The controversial move was said to be the product of a secret fan petition accruing only 271 signatures from the College.
The College experienced a quadrupling of expected student enrollment less than 40 seconds after the announcement. The College’s acceptance rate has decreased to less than 1 percent and rebranded itself as “The Globe’s Biggest K-Pop Hub.”
Instead of representation of core values being a factor in student acceptance, Guilford College’s only selection criteria is now “real ARMYs only, no fake fans allowed.” ARMY refers to BTS’s fan community.
ARMYs around the country are reportedly rejoicing, while others have officially left the fandom.
“I’m literally so pumped. I don’t really know what Guilford College is, but I guess now it’s my dream school cuz MY BOIS are there!” said a fan over email interview who legally changed their name to J-Hope’s Biggest Hope. “Honestly this is the dumbest thing BTS has done, but because it’s BTS it’s now considered smart. Because BTS is perfect, lol.”
Others, especially now aspiring Guilfordians, have echoed this sentiment. Guilford College’s acceptance processes have changed completely. Rather than essays and test score submissions, applicants must now prove their commitment to BTS through a challenging 30-minute interview process.
“Uh yeah, I just like really want to go to Guilford College. I’m really dedicated to the K-pop scene, I just got Jin’s name tattooed onto my nose for the big interview,” said prospective student Fan McFanPants. “I hope they pick me, I know chances are basically nothing.”
While some have completely immersed themselves into the new application process, other fans are disappointed by the decisions made.
“Why does campus security have to be so uptight about fans seeing BTS?” said ARMY and senior Wieyou Gottadodis. “I just want to stop by and see Jungkook in his hiding place, but public safety is being rude and won’t allow us to install location trackers onto our seven favorite stars.”
Each of the seven members of BTS are known for their humble standards and have appropriately chosen unconventional individual living places at Guilford College.
Rapper Suga, whose explicit goal was to connect with fans more, moved permanently to the Early College modular buildings where the campus’s concentration of fans is highest.
Singer Jin, noted for being one of the most socially connected BTS members, has permanently moved to Frank Family Science Center’s observatory.
“I just want to be with other stars again,” said Jin. As he explained, his eyes seemed to be sweating.
No matter the reaction of the members, BTS has singlehandedly and unintentionally solved Guilford College’s financial crisis.