GOOFORDIAN: Are you kidding me? Kids on campus?

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Look out below. Tiny toddlers taking tests: terrifying or terrific? How young is too young?

Guilford College, the Early College and Guilford County schools came to an agreement during the beginning of last semester that the Early College at Guilford should extend its positive benefits to bright young students of all ages. The Really, Really Early College at Guilford, or RRECG, program gives students of any age the opportunity to participate in college classes.

“I think it’s very important not to deprive a child of an opportunity for greater learning based on their age,” said Jessica Jenkins, branch head of the RRECG. “Their incapability to walk or eat solid foods should be accommodated for. Ultimately, if they can do the work, they should be allowed to learn.”

These students have the opportunity to quadruple major and receive up to 20 credit hours a semester if they wish.

“I haven’t had any trouble keeping up with my studies,” said seven-year-old RRECG student Rebecca Barlow, quadruple mathematics, physics, chemistry and economics major. “Advanced Forensic Investigations, Policy Formulation and Strategy, Inorganic and Materials Chemistry, Algebraic Structures, Mathematical Physics, and Child/Adolescent Psychopathology are all child’s play.”

“Our success in school was a fait accompli our fastidious parents comprehended from our very birth, so why waste time?” said three-year-old RRECG student Robin Goodwin. “While we RRECG students preserve a sense of equanimity, the inane college and early college students’ always make impudent remarks. Their prattling drivel always leaves me with unbearable ennui.

“You can call me prepubescent, just don’t call me sophomoric.”

However, the Guilford traditional, CCE and Early College students aren’t fond of the students in return, especially aggravated by the plans to transform Guilford’s Rugby Pitch into a playground restricted solely for RRECG students.

“Recess is a necessity,” said Jessie Pitta, head of the premature juvenile schooling educational program at Han-Smith University in Harlem to The Guilfordian. “It allows children to explore and learn in ways that enrich their cognitive development.”

The college is developing the playground using funding initially intended to reconstruct the dorms with hot tubs, create a karaoke bar in The Grill and open a nature reserve to house the recently discovered Japanese Dwarf Flying Squirrels transported to Guilford by Japanese exchange student and sophomore Totoro Ototo.

“I can’t believe we’re going to lose the rugby pitch,” said Rugby Team Captain and junior Joshua McKnight. “Especially since they’ve already child-proofed the gym. You can’t really do anything now.”

The cafeteria will be altering its menu to accommodate some of the students’ premature palates, including juice boxes, gold fish, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and pudding cups. However, most of the Guilford students haven’t complained about this new addition.

“I think that’s where we really come together,” said senior Guilford student Kyle Privali. “We’re all kids at heart. We all love pudding. We all enjoy naps. When you really think about it, the only thing that separates us from them is about 3 feet in height.”

“They’re really, really short,” said Early College junior Dylan Caskie.

DISCLAIMER: This is part of the April Fool’s edition.

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