“Goose is a big word,” Vice President Randy Doss once said in an apparent non-sequitor. Well those words have never seemed more relevant than now.A gaggle of geese were left dumbstruck upon returning to North Carolina for their usual warm winter stay. Standing ankle deep in a cold puddle one goose remarked to his neighbor, “This is (expletive deleted)ridiculous.”

Fleeing the harsh Canadian winter, the geese migrated to Guilford College where they have historically enjoyed floating on the lake during mild North Carolina Januarys, hissing and snapping at innocent passersby on the sun-drenched February quad, and dining on cigarette butts generously left on the grassy March ground by thoughtful Guilford students.

This winter, however, the geese were shocked to find their usual hangouts covered in a thick layer of icy snow. Where they once instilled terror in the hearts of Guilfordians by refusing to vacate paths and excreting in everyone’s way, they now live in constant fear of the next snowball.

“This is why I don’t believe in God,” an elder of the “Guilford Gaggle” (a moniker they coined years ago during the return trip back to Canada after discovering this winter paradise) told The Goofordian. “If there were a God, there would be no (expletive deleted) snow on the (expletive deleted) ground in (expletive deleted) March.

“Back when I was a young lad February was the new June. Boy, we had it all. You know that once I was even lucky enough to mistake a dropped mushroom for a piece of stale bread crust. Now that was a walk to remember. I got so (expletive delete) high I tried to convince the boys to turn the flying “v” in an “&.”

“Point is, America just ain’t like it was. And you know what, I blame it on Obamacare.”

Well, I never knew how obscene Canadian geese are. And they flew south for this?!

Joke’s on them.