“It’s gonna be bigger than Africa,” said Vice President for Enrollment Services Randy Doss. “This is my time to shine.”Doss has single-handedly organized the construction of a mega-dome over the football field.

“This is my idea,” said Doss. “And yes, it will rule.”

Construction will go underway over summer break. The dome, when finished, will hold 30,000 people and be totally air-conditioned.

“Brrrr!” said Doss. “Chilly-willies.”

The dome will also have a jumbotron. Apparently that’s a thing that keeps score and has a screen on it (duh). More amenities include: bathrooms, a couple windows, and concession stands.

“I’m gonna pee in that bathroom every day!” said Doss. “I’m gonna live in that dome! BOOM, baby!!!”

The dome has been a long time coming in the plans for Guilford’s ever growing sports … thing. Many people have noticed that there seems to be more and more athletes coming in every year. This is no mistake.

“We are trying to build the ultimate sports teams,” said Athletic Director Tom Palombo. “Part of this includes segregating athletically involved students from non-athletes. We don’t want any distractions for our sluggers and sluggettes.”

“The dome will be the pinochle of our take-over,” said Nick Black, the head coach of men’s baseball. “And we are so totally gonna get some chicks in that motha’ once the ribbon is cut. BOOM, baby!!!”

This take-over worries many students and faculty members alike.

“The goat entrails in the parking lot say that the locals want us the hell out of there,” said Robert Duncan, associate professor of political science.

“I’m worried that Guilford is becoming more and more generic every year,” said senior John Button. “Before long we’re just going to be another pathetic no-name liberal arts school trying to improve its athletic standings to appeal to more affluent parents.”

“Shut up, hippy!” yelled a passing athlete with two blondes under his arms. “We are legend!”

Other students, and even some faculty members, are worried that this dome is a poor usage of funds.

“I was really hoping that they were going to turn the sidewalks into a lazy-river type of thing,” said Visiting Writing Instructor Rod Spellman. “You know, like at Six Flags?”

The exact cost of the dome is $40 billion.

“That’s a lot of potatoes!” said junior John Sabo. “BOOM, baby!!!”

The large amount of funds can be mainly chalked up to the increase in parking tickets. Ron Stowe and his staff have been working around the clock putting citations on beat-up Hondas and clapped-out Toyotas over the past few semesters in hopes to have the project underway by 2010. They came up with the funds a year early.

“Last year we had three murders, 27 riots, and over 50 laptops stolen from Milner alone,” said Public Safety Director Ron Stowe as he lit up a gigantic Cuban cigar. “But we sure wrote up a lot of parking tickets. Hell, we made three grand just last week-now how are you gonna argue with figures like that?”

So, we can look forward to watching our football games indoors now. Here at the Guilfordian we’d like to thank everyone who was responsible for this wonderful addition, even you, Doss.

“Bomb-diggy-bomb-da-bang-da-bang-diggy-diggy!” said Doss. “I’m gonna be like Kid Rock in that crazy SOB! Peace!