The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

Robot Geese: to touch or not to touch

There are two cybernetic organisms on campus, roaming free without any comprehension of boundaries, decency, or social mores. And yes, they are geese. I know you’re thinking “what the hell, boy?!” but let me explain myself: these geese are half beast, half machine and very dangerous.

Maybe some of you have seen this disgusting type of bird. I haven’t personally, but I have heard that it has a big antenna sticking out of it and something that looks like a solar panel (what the!) on its back.

Some students have even claimed to have touched it.

“The robotic geese can be safely touched in certain areas,” said junior Henry Wells, a self-proclaimed goose expert. “The nape of the neck is a good place, also around the anus, and its bill, which I believe has no feeling in it. I have to go to class now.”

Lynn Moseley, our campus ornithologist, helped to clear up a few of the questions that I had, and probably most of you had too.

First of all, the robo-geese are part of the gaggle that sports those white collars. Someone has started a rumor that the collars are to tell if Guilford geese are getting in the way of planes at the airport and that if they are, then the offending birds would be shipped to South Dakota.

That’s a cute idea, but apparently not true, according to Moseley.

“The actual study is about the effects goose droppings have on human health,” she said. “It is a perfectly legitimate study performed by the North Carolina State University.”

“That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” commented junior Hannah Thresher when she heard about the study. “No one should study poop. Ever.”

“These geese spend some time out at the airport,” continued Moseley. “But mainly it was just an easy place to catch them.”

With the airport conspiracy theory debunked, the question of cybernetic organisms still remains. Apparently the robotic geese are not robots at all, but rather real Canada geese with scientific equipment attached to them.

“The pointy thing sticking out of it is an antenna,” said Moseley. “And the thing on its back is a tracking device.”

According to Moseley, the equipment can be removed from the geese in one of two possible ways.

“Either the harness has a limited life span and will eventually deteriorate, or the geese will be found when the batteries are about to fail and the harnesses will be manually removed,” said Moseley. “The geese are so big they don’t even notice the equipment being on them.”

Some students, especially the types who have dreadlocks and bring homemade ceramic mugs to class, feel as though attaching “spy gear” to geese is an unethical and an inhumane practice.

“A goose is a simple creature, like a grilled cheese,” said Thresher. “I think this is a disgusting, childish experiment about poop that should end immediately, with no harm to the geese involved.”

If you want to see one of these geese, try to find the pack with the white collars. They will probably be on the quad, especially early in the morning. Geese travel by air, this much we know, so a little bit of luck will be needed if you hope on actually touching the “robo-geese.”

But be careful where you step.

“The amount of material they excrete is enormous,” says Moseley.

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

The Guilfordian intends for this area to be used to foster healthy, thought-provoking discussion. Comments are expected to adhere to our standards and to be respectful and constructive. As such, we do not permit the use of profanity, foul language, personal attacks, or the use of language that might be interpreted as libelous. Comments are reviewed and must be approved by a moderator to ensure that they meet these standards. The Guilfordian does not allow anonymous comments, and requires a valid email address. The email address will not be displayed but will be used to confirm your comments.
All The Guilfordian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *