On Feb. 2, the citizens of Guilford College received a profound education on the politics of sexuality and labor brought by the Sex Workers Art Show. As a result of this performance, many conceptions of gender, health, and sexual promiscuity were transformed and recreated in a positive fashion. However, the beautiful, educated smiles of Guilford students and staff were quickly turned upside down when the Guilford plague returned with a fiery passion to campus. Within the past couple of weeks, many attendants of the Sex Workers Art Show began to experience nausea, dry mouth, and an extreme lack of motivation to finish their homework. Due to these severe illnesses, many began to speculate about a connection to the plague and the Sex Workers Art Show.
Unfortunately, this connection was true. On March 22, God admitted that the emergence of the plague had everything to do with the Sex Workers Art Show. His anger at Guilford College’s decision to celebrate this performance was symbolized in his decision to strategically make all of those who attended as sick as possible.
“Anyone who attended the Sex Workers Art Show is a bad person,” said God in a telephone interview. “I mean, come on! How many times do I have to repeat myself? Sex is always a bad thing, and these stupid people who indulge in such filth should be severely punished, which is why I brought the plague. I need to consistently reiterate that the enjoyment of sex will automatically grant you a permanent position in the seventh circle of Hell.”
Indeed, Heaven has seemed pretty unattainable in the last month. Both students and faculty have been wandering around campus with green faces, foul breath, and enough coughs and sneezes to put Max Carter in a bad mood. However, unrelenting sickness surrounding campus hit those who were in charge of the Sex Workers Art Show at Guilford.
“This isn’t a Public Safety issue, it’s a community issue,” said Ronald Stowe, director of Public Safety. “We’re all impacted by this.”
Junior Sara Eisenberg, a sexually-interested individual, and one of the two forces that brought the crew to Guilford began to suffer MRSA, a staff infection, on her leg last month.
“It was terrible,” said Eisenberg. “I woke up one morning and I had something that looked like a black pimple on my leg. I tried to scrub it off, but it kept getting worse. I’m trying to deal with the consequences of having this, but it’s really getting in the way of my yoga exercises. In addition, all of my roommates have started calling me ‘Party-Foul MRSA.'”
While Eisenberg runs around her apartment with disinfectant, the other individual responsible for putting on the performance, junior Joe Pelcher, is also suffering his own batch of consequences.
“I woke up one morning and was blind,” said Pelcher. “I had to wear an eye-patch for a week that totally didn’t match any of my outfits. Also, I was one episode away from finishing the sixth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now I’ll never know what happens. Thanks a lot, God!”
Out of common courtesy, let’s hope that no one gives away the ending to Pelcher. He’s already suffering enough as it is.
After a month of staff infections, blindness, and other general sicknesses, the effects of the plague seem to be winding down. Sunlight is appearing, teachers are smiling, and students are turning in their homework only a day late. However, according to God, this shouldn’t distract members of the Guilford community.
“Everything is peachy now,” said God. “But if this happens again, I’m going to have to send Jesus down there. And believe me, if you think I’m bad; just wait until you meet Jesus.