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The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

Statistics reveal full reach of pornography

Now, if I know anything about Guilford College students, it’s that good old-fashioned clean living and family values are amongst their highest priorities. The only thing more immaculate than their thoughts are their bedspreads, free of all bodily fluids, except of course for tears, tears of joy. See, I know you kids. You like to keep your noses clean, because I mean, shucks, what else are tissues good for, right? Well, dearest Guilford, I have some sobering news to bear to you. Not everybody uses tissues for nasal drip any more. Indeed, as a recently released statistical study on the prevalence of pornography for 2006 would suggest, tissues hardly even make it to people’s noses anymore.

This ubiquitous reorientation of the role of the tissue box is directly related, of course, to the gross amount of revenue that the porn industry generates, as in the United States alone, over $13 billion was culled last year. This puts us proudly in fourth place for the biggest distributor and producer of pornography in the world, following Japan with $19.98 billion in revenue, South Korea with $25.76 billion, and China with pornographers collectively heaving in a whopping $27.4 billion.

These statistics are phenomenal for a number of reasons, namely because it is evident now, more than ever, how much time people spend thinking about sex, yet tragically enough, fail to reach the stage of intercourse. For instance, the study claims that for every second that goes by, “372 Internet users are typing in adult search terms into search engines,” adding to the 28,258 users that were already looking at porn, amounting to $3,075.64.

But, what exactly has promoted such a high demand for pornography in the countries listed above? When artificial sex is in such abundance, does it serve to arouse or curb a culture’s sexual appetite?

With China’s huge population, it is no surprise why so much revenue from pornography is culled there. Perhaps what this suggests is that the Chinese embrace pornography as an alternative to sex, given the country’s overpopulation.

Nevertheless, there is still something to be said about porn’s other appeal – it’s a form of instant gratification. Pornographers don’t make it hard either; in fact, it is too easy when surfing the Web to misspell a word in a search engine only to wind up at some gaudy porn site.

Another favorite trick of pornographers is to set up shop at abandoned URLs that bear unassuming names. These kinds of tactics have led 34 percent of Internet users to claim that they received unwanted exposure to pornography while pursuing supposedly more chaste subjects. But, does that mean that the remaining 66 percent of users that participated in the survey were delighted by the results when they typed in “melons” and got something else?

Results are inconclusive. Still, what to make of these countries, no, rather these “Masturbation Nations,” who seemingly place autoerotic pleasures before all else? Where do their ethics lie? But, more importantly, how about ours? Let’s not forget, we are ranked fourth among them. Is this a title we should defend, or cast down in shame, locking dirty smut peddlers like Hugh Hefner and Larry Flynt away for life for the generations of squinty-eyed, hairy-palmed degenerates they have spawned?

Well, enough of all this neo-con rubbish. Whom am I kidding any way; didn’t wholesome family values go out with chivalry a long time ago with Henry VIII and the Marquis de Sade? Times have changed Guilford, and it’s about time you caught on and jumped aboard the smut wagon with the rest of your country. Anything else would be unpatriotic.

Moreover, in the spirit of capitalism, it would be in America’s best interest to keep the porn industry thriving – and not only because it generates more money than sports. With an adult film being produced once every 49 minutes in the United States, viewers never suffer from a lack of visual stimulation (i.e. they don’t have to resort to the same old picture of Farrah Fawcett or Stone Phillips). And, what do people do when they look at dirty pictures? Exactly. It’s a virtually inexhaustible form of energy that, if harnessed, could keep America self-sufficient for untold ages. Not to mention the environmental implications; our hands may be dirty, but our air would be clean.

Just imagine, a nation, run on masturbation. A novel proposal yes, but surely not out of anyone’s reach.

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