Just when you thought marrying a 90-year-old man couldn’t put her in the public eye anymore, Anna Nicole Smith has managed to pull off her most controversial publicity stunt yet – death!Smith was found dead in a Hard Rock hotel room two weeks ago. Her autopsy was inconclusive, but her past suggests that her death had something to do with being a drugged-up, gold-digging bimbo. Smith left behind six potential fathers as well as an incongruous family history for her surviving baby daughter.

Yeah, it’s somewhat sad, blah blah blah, but let’s take a look at the bright side: Anna Nicole Smith is an inspiration for lowlifes everywhere. Hear me out. This woman has simply packed more uselessness into her 39 years on Earth than even the most unaccomplished senior citizens, and she still can steal the front page away for doing something that every living thing does at some point. Simply amazing!

When Smith died, I didn’t even know why she was famous. Over the years I have heard her name in headlines and in late-night monologue jokes. I started to do research and came to learn that she is famous for the following reasons: being a Playboy playmate, getting a boob job, starving a baby to make it look sexy, marrying a 90-year-old, being overweight, losing weight with a fad product, having a reality TV show and, finally, dying.

In short, Smith was an embarrassment to humanity, and she topped it off by dying the way anyone of her caliber would want to die – with Slim-Fast and Methadone in her refrigerator. However, she still gets all this attention. Remember Gerald Ford? I didn’t think so.

“So how does someone like this become so famous?” you ask. For answers, I went to none other than assistant professor of English and director of writing Cynthia Nearman.

“Part of why I think people continue to be fascinated by her and pay attention to her antics is because it’s like watching a train wreck,” said Nearman. “There’s a combination for me – shock and embarrassment and horror – that I can’t seem to take my eyes off of.”

I agree with Cynthia mostly, but a train wreck implies that a train was at some point going somewhere and doing something. I would argue that Anna Nicole Smith is more like a train that just doesn’t work and spontaneously combusts on occasion.

This train would sit on the tracks not doing anything but blocking more important trains and distracting everyone. Even though this train is completely useless, its sporadic, explosive episodes would serve to fascinate people perpetually. Smith did the same thing by stealing the headlines with her uselessness. Oh, the humanity!

Smith has even captured the heart of senior Noah Foreman.

“There are few things in this life that have gotten me through hard times that were not Anna Nicole Smith,” said Foreman. “When I break it down I think about the formative moments in my life: my bar mitzvah, the first time I found a $20 bill on the ground, and when Anna Nicole Smith died, because I thought it was hilarious. What is she doing dying? It’s a publicity stunt. Everyone knows that. ‘I want to be on TV some more so I’ll die.’ OK, thanks, Anna.”

Anna Nicole Smith has ended her career at the top of her game with a message: if you want to be big-time, you’ve got to mess up big-time. So don’t despair the next time you screw up or get an “F” in a class. That “F” stands for fame!