The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

Music spreads ‘the Gay’

In all the Internet’s endless wisdom and plethora of helpful knowledge, a few Web sites really stand out. Google, for example, helps even the least tech savvy person to surf the World Wide Web with a single click. YouTube allows the humblest among us to become a virtual video star in mere instants. And, most importantly, enlightens anyone and everyone about the danger of listening to bands that spread “the Gay.”Yes, “the Gay.” Before stumbling upon this Web site, I had no idea that homosexuality was a virus, something akin to the flu that, if caught early enough, can be properly treated and cured. Nor was I aware that this virus doesn’t even require person-to-person contact to spread – it’s so contagious, apparently, that even listening to suggestions of it is enough to contaminate the na’ve heterosexual.

Now, thanks to this Web page, I can finally consider myself well informed. No longer am I in the dark about the truth behind the lyrics of the “really gay” Elton John or “dark gay” Marilyn Manson. Nevermore will I be lulled to sleep by Frank Sinatra’s romantic melodies or Sufjan Stevens’ haunting songs about “Psalms” – oh no! I’m not letting my sexuality’s guard down for an instant.

I’m so impressed by this utterly unbiased, obviously objective list, in fact, that I feel the need to follow suit and enlighten the world with an equally reasonable list of my own: Bands who spread the Red.

Through my years of careful listening and perusing of many music libraries, I have created a list of artists that, through either their lyrics or actions, clearly show they are Commies. Watch out for these bands, parents, as you never know when your little one may give up his or her J.K Rowling in favor of Karl Marx and go Red. As with “the Gay,” the Commie may be stopped if caught early enough, but once it’s too late . there’s no turning back.

Bands to watch out for:

– Gnarls Barkley. That music video for “Crazy” may have looked like just a bunch of strange inkblots to the unaware, but some of us saw it for what it truly was – subliminal messages urging listeners towards Marxist ways. A clever tactic on Gnarls’ behalf, but I saw through their ambiguity to the clear, Red message underneath.

– The Dixie Chicks. This should be obvious. They have expressed their distaste for the Bush administration – need I say more? Anti-Bush, pro-Commie . they’re practically synonymous.

– Anti-Flag. As if their name isn’t enough, they have an entire song based around equality. Equal portions for all? Equal chances for everyone? Does any of this sound familiar to you? Well, if you know anything about anything, it should sound exactly like what it means: “we love communism.”

– Red Hot Chili Peppers. Yet another band with a song about equality – and it even says the word “red” twice! Come on, people, do I have to spell this out for you?

– Dave Matthews Band. Yes, even this seemingly sweet, gentle man has communist ties. “And all the little ants are marching, red and black antennas waving”? Don’t be fooled by his soft exterior. Dave Matthews is a true Red through and through.

Now, before you get all up in arms over your favorite band being included in this list, think it through logically. And while you’re giving yourself a thorough headache attempting that, at least entertain the notion that perhaps my list isn’t as far-fetched as it seems. It’s certainly not any more far-fetched than the idea that certain bands encourage homosexuality – or, I’m sorry, “the Gay” – through their lyrics and music. is right. In this age of rampant piracy and audio-based viruses, it’s crucial to keep watch over what music you and your loved ones listen to. After all, you never know – that song you previously considered innocent may actually be designed to push you into the ranks of the latest group of victims in our fair land.

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