Recently it came to my attention that the college is subjecting students living on campus to inhuman living conditions. People like you and I have been placed in single rooms with up to three other individuals and forced to relegate their personal effects to the area of approximately four floor tiles.
This outrage will not be tolerated! Its time for students to take matters into their own hands, and I’m not talking about a class action lawsuit here. We need to do what other species do when they are introduced to an adverse environment: evolve.
Bats, for instance, have the amazing ability to coexist while 20,000 or so of them are crammed into a space roughly the size of a toilet bowl. There is no logical reason why we as humans should not strive towards making the trans-species evolutionary jump from human-oid to Bat-oid.
Bats, clearly our evolutionary older brother, have long been the object of scientific inquiry. In fact, in the early ‘30s, Albert Einstein was reported to have had “bats in his belfry.” Evolution experts in the young Einstein’s native Germany had apparently discovered that his physical features were remarkably similar to those of a bat, especially in his belfry region. It is a little-known fact that Einstein preferred to communicate through sonar, rather than the more traditional German folk songs of the day.
Today, thanks to modern science, all trans-species candidates need not be born fluent in sonar, nor possess the webbed fingers and arm flaps of the young Einstein. Today, all we need is the will to be transformed into something we are not — and $10,000.
It is no secret that plastic surgery has made the most significant contribution to modern life and culture. The impact of the nose job, the face lift, the boob job, the tummy tuck and Botox is impossible to over-emphasize, especially when taken in the context of today’s political issues such as the war in Iraq, election fraud in Mexico, etc. However, the way of the future is not found in plastic surgery alone, but rather in a combination of Pilates and plastic surgery, or “Pilastic surgery.”
Pilastic surgery makes the trans-species jump economic, fun, and no more time-consuming than learning to walk on a tight rope while juggling burning chainsaws. “Why Pilates?” you might ask. You see, Pilates was developed by an actual bat. It is a form of therapeutic exercise that consists mostly of hanging upside down, just like a bat. That bat is now a multi-billionaire and has had operations to enhance his humanoid features. If you hadn’t figured it out yet, I’ll tell you: his name is Michael Jackson.
Pilastic surgery allows for the coupling of a surgical procedure, designed to make the human body resemble an enormous bat, with Pilates-style rehabilitation. When the process is completed, patients will enjoy a wide range of bat-related activities, namely, sleeping in close quarters with other bat-oids while hanging from metal bars ten feet above the ground.
Guilford’s Office of Campus Life is firmly committed to support students who decide to make the trans-species switch. Several residence halls have already been scheduled for renovations, and GLBTQAB has added another “B” to its all-embracing acronym.
Most importantly, however, residence halls will now be able to house millions of students. In one conservative estimate, Vice President for Enrollment and Campus Life Randy Doss guessed that “the College could see its earnings increase two-million-fold over the next few years.” Doss went on to speculate, that the “proceeds from the sale of amassed bat guano to organic farmers could double or even triple these estimates.”