There’s a Led Zeppelin song with the lyrics, “I can’t quit you babe, I think I’m gonna put you down for a while.” Robert Plant is obviously talking about a female who he’s taking a break from, but plans on returning to in the future. Unfortunately, when it comes to females, I’ve never been lucky enough to have that problem. But I’ve been there with you, Guilford College.
We were on the rocks last fall. You couldn’t give me what I wanted, and my heart just wasn’t in it. I made the decision to leave you in hopes of studying journalism at a university that was “better endowed.” I said goodbye to Guilford and hello to Penn State University. Penn State gave me what I thought I needed. But that relationship was a mess from the start. We drank together every night and its size became a problem. I don’t think I need to explain that one.
So I made a humble return to you this spring. You seemed more comfortable compared to when I left. You welcomed me back with open arms and made me feel at home again.
I learned to appreciate you in ways that I didn’t before.
I liked not having to walk ten miles just to get a bagel. And being “Matt Goldman” rather than a social security number to my professors seemed like a luxury when I returned.
Although you’re kind of unappealing in the winter months, it makes it all worthwhile just to see you blossom each spring. Come on, you know you’re gorgeous.
Don’t get me wrong, though. Some things have got to change if we’re going to make this work.
First and foremost, you’ve got to feed me better. I like chicken and pizza, but not seven nights a week. You also need to feed me more often. I’m not always hungry when you say I should be hungry.
How about some late night snacks every once in a while? And learn to make coffee that doesn’t taste like urine.
Another thing: sometimes I feel like you’re going through an identity crisis, and that’s tough to be around. You are a small liberal arts school with a Quaker heritage. If you try to be something you’re not, you’ll continue to alienate yourself.
You’ve also got to stop being such a hypocrite. Learn what it really means to be liberal, and at the least acknowledge other political affiliations other than anarchist. You’re better than that.
On that topic, your social activism seems to have grown weaker. Slashing the cords on coke machines was irritating and pointless, but it put me over the edge when I saw a group of students protesting against something that they had absolutely no knowledge about. Not everything is your business. It really bugs me when a term like “institutionalized racism” is tastelessly slapped on a poster without any substantial evidence.
I don’t mean to be harsh, but I really want it to work this time. I know you’ve got it in you to make some positive changes. But I also know that this is a two-way street.
I’ll make sure to put the toilet seats down.