Scorpio
Your week will start out crappy but (believe me) there are great things to come. Your island of man slaves will suddenly become insanely profitable. You will receive a lifetime supply of Jack Daniels from an anonymous donor. And a magic genie will give you everything you want – even a private show from the Chippendale’s dancers, and Chris Farley back from the dead. ENJOY!!Sagittarius
If you can’t be somebody, Be Arthur.

Libra
You’re not a Libra, so for god’s sake, don’t be yourself this week. Yourself just isn’t good enough anymore. I’d work on that if I were you.

Aquarius
You. The idiot of the nation. Within a nation.

Pisces
Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don’t. And sometimes you feel like your life is slowly unraveling like a poorly knitted footie lost in the wash.

Aries
This week you shall present lettuce. On a bed of lettuce.

Taurus
We looked to the stars. We looked long and hard. We looked with the smoldering inquiry that only two Spiritual Gurus can possess. We looked high, we looked low and, in some cases, eye level. We looked behind couch and behind chair. Then we finally found my cell phone charger, and thank god because my batteries were getting seriously low.

Gemini
This week, you can be a hero. For just one day. Maybe a couple of hours. Depends on how cool your cape is.

Cancer
Don’t take no for an answer this week, you foolish pushover. Be a go-getter. Remember: if time can fly, why the hell can’t it fly over to Teeter and buy a pumpkin pie with extra whipped cream, right? Right?

Leo
Be all that you can be. (It ain’t very much.)

Libra
This week you will feel like you’re swimming in a pool of luxurious, warm chocolate pudding. People will smile at your witty remarks and may even begin to worship you. The squires will pray to you like an almighty god, and the children of the world will drool over your wondrous soul and hope to become like you some day. But, at some point, that pudding’s gonna make your teeth fall out. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Virgo
Be yourself. You could not possibly pull off anyone else.

Joke of the week

Four doctors who hadn’t seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they started talking about what makes a good surgical patient.
The first said, “Electrical engineers, because you open ’em up and everything is color-coded.”
“Nah,” said the second. “It’s librarians. You open ’em up and everything is alphabetized.”
The third scoffed. “Of course not,” he said. “It’s accountants. You open ’em up and everything is numbered.”
“Lawyers,” said the fourth, with a shake of his head. “It’s lawyers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the butt and the brain are interchangeable.”
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