Although a projected completion date for the long-running Interstate 40 construction project was given only two short weeks ago, a surprising announcement was made today by coordinator Kilgore Trout: the newly widened highway will now be re-narrowed to four lanes.
When asked about the reasoning behind the decision, Trout cited a general lack of satisfaction with the final result.
“You know, the engineers on this project thought that new lanes would really ease the traffic on this segment of I-40,” he mused. “But even with the additional three to four, it’s still as f***ing dangerous as it ever was. Bumper to bumper traffic, cars cutting each other off, speeding by at seventy and eighty miles per hour. Overall, it seems to make more sense to eliminate these useless lanes.”
Wilbur Swain, foreman of the Cockadoodie Construction firm, concurred with Trout and his co-workers. “Sure it’ll tie up construction for a few more years, but we haven’t really gotten any complaints from Greensboro drivers. They’ve been really good sports, through and through. I’m sure no one will mind just a tad bit more inconvenience.”
Mona Aamons Monzano, author of the not-quite-published-but-really-very-good book The Psychology of Traffic: Roadways and Morale, recommended still more extreme measures. “If the additional four lanes did nothing to improve the situation, narrowing further is obviously the solution. Perhaps a simple two lane road is the answer.”
When asked whether the re-narrowing project was, in fact, a smart move, lifelong West Virginia resident and renowned fashion guru Gerry Ball had this to say:
“Yes.”
Construction – or deconstruction, if you will – formally begins on Monday with a taping-together of the previously cut ribbon that marked the opening of the new lanes.