A man leapt from the roof of the Hut on Tuesday and landed his heels into the ribcage of an unsuspecting Kent Chabotar, sending him sprawling to the ground. Before Chabotar could regain an awareness of his surroundings, the man had put him into a half-nelson.
“The man kept chanting ‘go to sleep, go to sleep,’” said Guilford College President Chabotar. “Before Chabotar was knocked unconscious, Chabotar thrashed around and managed to break loose of the man’s grasp.”
The man, now lying on the ground in front of him, had a long, but well-trimmed, beard and slightly resembled the Quaker Oats man. It was tall and gangly Max Carter.
“That punk knows what he’s doing,” Carter said. “He and his Catholic buddies have been surreptitiously trying to turn the Hut into a chapel. I’m sick of it.”
“Yeah, and he wants to name it the chapel of Our Lady of Serendipitous Attire” junior Quaker Alison Duncan said, pointing to the portrait of a Greek nymph, modeled after a Guilford art major..
“Chabotar’s on a crusade and ain’t nobody going to stop him,” Chabotar said. “He showed that Quaker, Carter, what he is capable of.”
As Carter lay there on the ground, Chabotar began kicking him in the ear.
“It was self-defense,” Chabotar said the other day..
Chabotar has been charged with eighteen counts of attempted Catholic conversion and one count of assault.
“Catholics have been laying low because of all those priests and stuff,” said Guilfordian Editor-in-Chief James Potatum, “but now they are regaining some confidence. We can’t let those Latin-lovin’ freaks claim the school. Chabotar is lucky that it was only a wussy Quaker who attacked him, because my Lutheran tail would’ve kicked his ass. Bring it, Chabby.”
Responding to Potatum’s comment, Chabotar boldly said, “I brought down that big dirty-fightin’ Quaker. I can knock out a Lutheran.”
The fight is scheduled for Saturday, Apr. 12 on a neutral location that has yet to be determined, but is rumored to be set inside The Guilfordian ‘s publication suite.