Slack first-years? Role models too far away? Too many drugs? Who knows? Something has to be done about the Binford problem.First, let me suggest condemning Binford and constructing a new building for a fresh start. What better atmosphere for success than a new building?

But I think the best solution would be to eat the slack first-years. There must be enough people around here who are not vegetarians to get the job done. It might even be a nice change in menu for those on the meal plan.

Beating them over the head with a mallet could also do the trick. Do it long enough until they forget everything and then teach them that they always do their work and never break any windows, bottles, or discharge fire extinguishers. But who wants to take the time for that?

The geese, also a hindrance on campus, could be made to attack the problematic first-years. This would distract them from the task of leaving little bundles of joy on the walkways and also take care of the troublesome students of Binford.

Maybe it would be better to compare how they are treated to the poor innocent potatoes. Potatoes have eyes too and their eyes are gouged out because people do not like them. If being a potato blinder isn’t enough, then they are chopped up or even mashed! Some potatoes are also cooked alive. Many people like potato chips and French fries. Those are the more fortunate potatoes. They are given a lot of salt so they are happy when their lives are taken – salt is a drug to potatoes.

Maybe this would be a better solution to the Binford problem. Industrial sized salt shakers. It would make the meat more tender, and then the innocent potatoes could live in Binford.

Perhaps getting rid of the flies in the showers on the first and second floor would be a milder approach. However, this would do nothing for the first-years who are not excelling. They probably don’t notice anyway.