To the editor:Epiphany. That’s the only

word that can describe the sudden

revelation that came to me

after sitting through a recent

class with cool students. You

see … the most important thing

about getting a college education

is not the free exchange of

ideas, nor is learning the key.

No … the most important thing

about going to college is to look

cool. I can’t believe how ignorant

I’ve been. Maybe its all

those years I spent in the military.

You know … all that military

brainwashing led me to believe

that things like hard work,

loyalty, discipline, and achieving

goals was the right way to

live. But those silly notions are

simply out of touch with the

“real” world of college academics.

I’ve been duped – but I’m

much better now. So I thought

it might be beneficial for other,

perhaps equally confused, students

to understand the real

recipe for college success:

1. Always come to class late.

When you finally arrive,

make as much noise as

possible. Make sure your cellphone

is turned on, set at the

highest volume level, and most

important, selected to the most

obnoxious ring possible. Don’t

concern yourself with how your

disruptive entrance into a

classroom affects other students

– that’s their problem.

The most important thing is to

look cool.

The most important

thing is to look cool

2. If you’re male, make sure

you wear a baseball cap and

sunglasses. I mean it’s very

bright in the classroom, and you

don’t want to damage your pretty

eyes. Don’t worry that professors

are annoyed when you hide

your eyes … just look cool. If

you’re female, constantly play

with your hair, paint your nails,

and flirt. Above all else … look

cool.

3. Never, under any circumstances,

come to class prepared.

Better yet, don’t

bring your course books or materials

to class. Never read anything.

After all, anything you

have to read you can easily find

on the Internet right? Even better,

don’t even buy the course

books and never take notes in

class. You can always borrow

class notes from some idiot who

dared come to class to learn.

The thing is to look cool.

4. If you do bother to show up

for class, your job is to sit

in the back of the class,

preferably with friends, so you

can giggle like ten-year-olds. Sit

back with your legs spread, look

bored, take a nap, or stare off

into space. Never mind those

committed students or professors

who find your behavior ridiculous.

Just be cool.

5. Without fail, be intolerant of

any other opinions except

your own. If another student

or your professor expresses

a view different from yours, do

your best to make them feel as

uncomfortable as possible—no

matter how ignorant you sound.

Always have the last word, because

that’s cool. Diversity be

damned. We are not here to exchange

ideas. We are here to

look cool.

6. Whenever possible, whine,

complain, and best of all,

play the victim. It’s not your

fault … oh no … it’s always

someone else’s fault. We cool

people prioritize our academic

life around … well … what is

cool. Athletics always take priority

over academics. Social life

with other cool people always

takes precedence over everything

else. Professors love this

strategy, and when you fall woefully

behind in your academics,

you should demand special attention

at all times, because you

are special – you are too cool!

7. Whatever you do, never approach

anyone who is not

in your social clique. That’s

not cool. Confine yourself to

only hanging out with cool

people like yourself. Un-cool

people can’t benefit from you,

nor can you benefit from the uncool.

You must never allow

yourself to say or do anything

that doesn’t serve your own selfish

purpose. It’s not your fault.

We live in a selfish world and we

just play the hand dealt to us.

Be disrespectful, sexist, bigoted,

and arrogant. This is the true

mark of a cool person. You do

want to be cool, don’t you?

Now that I know what it

takes to be successful in college,

life just got a whole lot easier. I

don’t have to worry about challenging

myself academically. I

don’t have to worry about anyone

else’s opinion. Most of all, I

have learned that my future

doesn’t depend on how hard I

work now – the future will take

care of itself. All I have to concentrate

on at Guilford College

is being cool. I can freely experiment

with drugs and alcohol,

engage in unprotected sex, take

up some defiant (albeit uninformed)

cause, and spend the

rest of my time challenging those

un-cool people. I can do whatever

I want to do. And if I get

into trouble, I’ll just blame the

whole problem on someone else.

Of course, there is some small

part of me that knows that those

poor misinformed students committed

to academic excellence

will probably move on to graduate

school or some other successful

vocation, but they’ll

never be as cool as me. I may