The Guilfordian

Issue date: 3/30/07 Section: Goofordian

Media Credit: Dan Etter

Assorted vowels have recently accused the LGBTQ community of intentionally excluding vowels, causing controversy throughout the alphabet.

"Five letters strung together without a single vowel? That is a blatant slap in the face," said O in a press release. "This acronym is just unnatural - you won't find a grouping of letters like that anywhere else in the Roman alphabet."

"Look, I'm the most common letter in the English language. That's a fact," said E, addressing assembled reporters from the top row of an optometry chart. "So why am I discriminated against? I refuse to be silent any longer!"

The Roman, or Latin, alphabet has been in existence since the seventh century B.C., when it was adapted from the Greek alphabet used in Cumae, a Greek colony in southern Italy. Of the 26 letters, the only vowels are A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y.

"Just because we are a minority among phonemes does not mean our contribution should be overlooked," said O. "If the LGBTQ community truly understood the pain of discrimination, they would make an effort to be more inclusive."

Vowels have traditionally been characterized by an open configuration of the vocal tract so that air pressure cannot build up between the vocal chords. Conservatives feel that such exposure of the larynx may lead to deteriorating moral values in our community.

"People should understand that becoming a vowel is a conscious choice," said Greensboro resident Angus Hustings. "Have these letters ever tried being consonants instead?"

A, E, and O have taken steps to assemble their own coalition of letters as a reactive measure. On March 22, the three vowels announced the formation of Letters against Exclusion of Vowels, or LAEV.

Consonants L and V have yet to comment on their inclusion in the new acronym.

An open forum, mediated by the letter Y, took place on March 24 in order to let the community's voices be heard. Supporters for both sides of the issue took the opportunity to speak out.

"I just don't know if I want my children learning about vowels in school," said Mary Strickler, mother of three. "Can you trust them? I mean a vowel might look the same but sound completely different in two different words. What kind of message is that sending to our kids?"

"I fully support the LGBTQ community," said Strickland. "They are fulfilling God's will."

"The discrimination against vowels has to stop," said U. "On my way here today a man on the street called me 'a C that can't get off its back'! These attacks are unnecessary, unprovoked and unacceptable."

While this issue has proven to be divisive among consonants and vowels, some letters seek a compromising resolution.

"Each letter is necessary for our written and spoken language to exist," said T at the open forum. "Is there so much difference between a U and a V? I, for one, am proud to call vowels my fellow graphemes."

Page 1 of 1

Article Tools