The Guilfordian

Issue date: 4/29/05 Section: Features

Media Credit: www.amazon.com How to Have Sex in the Woods by Luann Colombo

Summertime means warmer weather, drawing scantily dressed people to spend their time outdoors basking in the sun or enjoying a warm breeze.

Such weather tempts many people to take their sexual activities outside as well, and why shouldn't they? There's nothing more romantic and sexy than a cool breeze on naked skin.

However, having sex outside also has its downside. This is a short guide on how to handle Sex in the Great Outdoors.

For starters, bring a blanket. While having sex on the bare earth may sound raw and sensual, the reality of the matter is leaves and dirt are not natural lubricants.

One wrong thrust and you may find yourself with a stick in the back or sand in a not so comfortable place.

Using lubrication in the wilderness is even more problematic, as the lube causes every little speck of dirt to end up on your backside or worse. So, keep your arse off the ground at all costs.

Similarly, one should never forget about the critters whose home you are christening. Days after a romp in the wild, you may find yourself with several itchy red bumps on skin that is not normally exposed to the elements.

These bumps I refer to are mosquito bites.

So, use protection: a condom and some bug spray will keep uncomfortable red bumps at bay. Sadly, the fragrance of Deet is not a known aphrodisiac, then again, neither are swollen pink insect bites.

For more natural antics, try sex on the beach: an idea so novel, they named a drink after it. That's probably because there is no sand involved in drinking a Sex on the Beach.

The act, however, entails many possible inconveniences. Bringing a blanket or towel will cut these hassles down significantly.

Also, pay attention to the wind. If it is so strong it is blowing sand in your face, imagine how it will feel on your genitals. This is common sense, I know, but I feel that many people might believe they can overcome this aspect of sex on the beach, until a moan is silenced by a mouthful of sand.

Sand and dirt, like glitter, are badger-like monsters that cling to everything they come into contact with. Whatever tools and aids to sex you may bring outside; they are susceptible to these elements. So take precautions that your condoms, lube, and toys are protected from these microscopic arousal-killers.

Okay, I know this sounds exceedingly negative and that I am encouraging you to keep your sexual activity indoors.

That is not my intent at all.

I have plenty of ridiculous stories involving outside sex that I do not want you have reason to commiserate with. Most of everything explained above, I have experienced in some way and it is not very pleasant.

Let your inner-boy scout run free, and be prepared. It is time to receive your merit badge in Sex in the Great Outdoors!

Editor's Note:

Good sex is safe sex. You should always use protection.
Used correctly, condoms can prevent pregnancy and many diseases. Please keep in mind that a condom will not prevent all diseases.

Use common sense. Research STD's and ways to prevent them. Never have sex with someone with sores or warts, look and communicate before you have sex!!!

For more information about safe sex, visit http://www.positive.org/JustSayYes/safesex.html.

The focus of this week's column was not to educate people on the basics of safe sex, but a humorous look at outdoors sex.

This column is not a method of birth control!

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