Goofordian: Lack of mathematical skills=budget crisis
Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition. The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.
When does 200,000 turn into 2 million and then 4 million? When someone can not count very well.
An investigative report by The Guilfordian revealed that the true source of the school’s $4 million deficit is to blame on one thing. No one at Guilford is good at math.
“We tried asking around, but no one really knew how to do the equation or help at all,” said Mike Jones, assistant blame-receiver for confusing money stuff. “That is, other than offering the unhelpful reply of ‘I haven’t done math since high school.’”
Unfortunately, a deficit can not be fixed with a political debate, a talk-back session or a moment of silence, leaving the majority of Guilford community members feeling completely useless.
Administrators have been forced to seek outside help, consulting with a local middle school’s fast track algebra class, an anonymous source confirmed. Students have expressed concern over this issue, but do not want to be too critical lest they be forced to discuss their actual knowledge on the subject and not just their opinions on it.
“I don’t believe in capitalism, so I can’t be bothered with understanding this stuff anyway,” said one English major, who barely scraped by the Quant Lit exam their first year. “And at Guilford, you’re more than just a number, so I don’t think it’s fair to assign these labels like ‘bankrupt’ and ‘drowning in debt’ or whatever.”
At a recent budget meeting, President Jane Fernandes hung her head in embarrassment when the Devastating Debt Committee had to keep “double checking” their multiplication tables on a calculator, claiming they knew what five times six was, but just wanted to be careful.
“We were going to ask a math major for help but, like, does anyone even know a math major at this school?” asked one member of the committee. “And before you say it, I don’t mean economics. I’m talking real math here.”
But the main question still remains: is there anyone who can solve this damn equation?
“You just carry the x, and then multiply each side by four to … oh I don’t even know,” said Jones. “Let’s just cut one of the language departments. That’s so much easier.”