The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The sun in your eyes: Guilford’s shiny new destiny

Once again, the administration of this college has endeavored to further subjugate the student body and make us pawns of its insidious agenda of control. This time, however, they have sought to tranquilize us with one of the things we have long sought: “sustainable” solar energy.In a March 16 press conference, Vice President for Administration Jon Varnell announced that the college would be installing solar panels in Founders, the P.E. Center, Bryan, Milner, Binford, and Mary Hobbs Already, students can see just how limited their vision is.

With this project, the administration seeks to make Guilford more energy-efficient, or sustainable. Why, then, have they decided on installing solar panels in only six campus buildings? Better yet, why have they left so much of Guilford’s energy consumption reliant on fossil fuels?

As we all know, fossil fuels are unsustainable by definition. We are going to run out of fossil fuels, and we won’t be able to rely on a mere 188 solar panels for hot water.

In spite of this obvious truth, the administration continues to pursue its own goal: financial profit at any cost. They leech us dry by demanding money, which they in turn deliver to their partners in capitalism, the North Carolina petroleum companies.

Doubtlessly, there will be those who are glad of the coming project, and who see it as a positive step towards Guilford’s green future. These people are the greatest threat of all to true sustainability!

We must not think in terms of “steps” in this struggle. This mentality leads only to half-measures, and half-measures only deliver half-results.

It is clear that the student body will be sated with this sop, and will continue in their complacency. So, the duty falls to us, we radicals, we happy few who see the truth, to demand nothing less than total solar immersion for Guilford.

Only when we have taken advantage of Guilford’s full solar-absorbing potential will the campus be truly sustainable. And, only when we have exceeded that potential and blanketed every available man-made surface with thermally-conductive metal to capture the sun’s rays will we truly be an example to other universities.

We will not rest until every structure on campus resembles the Heart of Gold brothel from the eponymous episode of Firefly!

“‘Eponymous’ is a big word,” said Vice President for Enrollment Services Randy Doss.

Our motivation for this project is not a petty matter of money or intercollegiate prestige. We hold as our banner nothing less than the indomitable human spirit. We crave that sense of total freedom you feel while making love, fire-dancing, or smoking really good ganja.

We must free our energy needs from the clutches of the capitalist system before we can free our minds from the greed that system breeds. And, that is only the first step in paving the way for the glorious worldwide Solar Revolution.

We seek to bring an end to energy oppression everywhere. We envision a world where even the meanest tinfoil hut provides the couple inside with an endless hot water supply.

A new world is possible. Will you join us?

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