All the media fuss about singers Rihanna and Chris Brown has made me think about an answer to domestic violence in all its gory forms – including child abuse and elder abuse. In case you missed that cultural moment, someone leaked police pictures of a battered Rihanna after Chris Brown slammed her face into the dashboard of his car.

Although the incident took place last February, media coverage hasn’t stopped. The L.A. Times printed Rihanna’s name in violation of its own practice of not naming abuse victims, and in spite of the police department’s refusal to identify her.

Once Rihanna was outed as the woman on the receiving end of domestic violence, people lined up to blame her for getting punched. Talk Radio and Fox News have made blaming the victim a cultural pastime that lets abusive men justify their aggression.

We need a counter trend. More of us need to recognize abuse and intervene. What if when Chris Brown was screaming at Rihanna in that parking lot, someone in the next car had noticed, knocked on the car window and asked for their autographs?

Who would do that when they could just drive off pretending not to notice? People who intervene know abuse when they see it, and they say something to stop it.
Modern life calls for an elevator pitch, an up-to-date resume, and a way to intervene when you turn the corner in the grocery store and find a raging woman shaking her terrified child.

We’re less likely to find someone physically abusing an older person in public than a child. But, you might gradually notice that an older neighbor seems neglected or fearful. Talk to that person and their caretaker. If you think it is a bad situation, report it. Local government agencies are set up to deal with elder abuse.

The most common domestic violence is by men against women. Abusers count on the rest of us to be timid. And often, we are so shocked or bewildered by what we see that we don’t say or do anything.

Those women need friends, even just for that moment, even if you don’t know them. And, if you have a chance, tell them, “This is not your fault.”

You do have to pick your battles. I have a friend who says annoyingly often, “No good deed goes unpunished.” She is thinking of instances when women who seemed to be victims suddenly side with their abuser against a would-be rescuer. Okay, that happens. But, I think those women deserve reminders that they are, in fact, experiencing abuse even if they don’t know how to give it up.

There are some things not to do if you decide to be someone who intervenes: Don’t get killed. There is a reason they call it domestic violence. Do something. But, stay safe. Call the police if someone has an object that is, or could become, a weapon. The best thing to say then is “Hello, 9-1-1.”

Don’t try and make yourself feel better with a righteous verbal attack on the abuser. Usually, that just adds to the noise and feeds their anger.

Your race, religion or social class won’t protect you from direct exposure to abusive situations. Every group produces a quota of abusers. Odds are pretty good that it won’t happen to you directly. But, it is happening around you. Say something.