“Fat Tax” sounds so catchy. It rolls right off the tongue to make way for that Quarter Pounder with cheese and Dr. Pepper, which is exactly why it will never get passed, even if some poor sucker is brave enough to mold it into a piece of legislation.

The Fat Tax is an idea that’s been floating around wherein the government starts taxing fatty foods and drinks, namely, soda. The idea is to cut down on the rising number of Americans who have health problems because of the things they eat and drink. While I agree with the sentiment, unfortunately it is no longer about who has the best ideas. It’s more about who can come up with a better catch phrase and right now Fat Tax is squarely in the lead.

Fat Tax just sounds unfair. It makes it seem as though the government is on a chubby witch-hunt, whimsically taxing people for the way they live. That doesn’t sound like the type of liberty that this country was built on.

In reality, a tax on sodas isn’t unfairly targeting fat people. My roommate is rail thin and he pounds at least three sodas a day. Calling a tax like this the Fat Tax is like making my soda-drinking roommate pay the Poor College Student Tax for Pepsi. Both groups will be affected, but neither will be unfairly targeted.

Even if some poor Washington do-gooder tries to introduce a bill with this tax they’ll give it an unsexy name like the ‘Health Incentive.’ I would bet all my money that no news stations would run stories about the Health Incentive.

I would also be surprised if there were any support for a Health Incentive in Congress. Even the politicians who want Americans to start leading healthier lifestyles are smart enough to know that taxing soda isn’t going to make a dent in terms of changing patterns of consumption.

The idea that more expensive soda is going to make people stop drinking it is hopelessly idealistic at best. Cocaine is ridiculously expensive but people still shell out the money for it, and the people who don’t aren’t just thinking about their wallets.

Sure, there’s the argument that the taxes on tobacco have a history of being effective as a deterrent to smoking. But that’s apples and oranges. We don’t turn on the T.V. and see Dr. J smoking a Newport saying, “Smoke it slow. Trust me. I’m a doctor.”

If the Fat Tax is going to have any effect on the consumption of soda in this country then soda needs to be demonized like smoking. There would have to be Truth ads with hundreds of XXXL body bags on the streets of New York City telling us how many people soda has killed today. Restaurants would need to have separate soda sections and parents would need to look nervous every time some one cracked a can of Pepsi around their children.

Right now a three-year-old could walk into a grocery store with a dollar to buy a soda and the most common reaction would be, “Aw.” Even if the Health Incentive gets introduced one day, it won’t live long enough to learn how to walk. Between the catch phrases and the arguments against it, the battle was over before it could begin. So good luck to anyone who gets behind a bill that will not only not work, but is also an uphill battle to pass.